With these words, one of the clients at the reception was entered. Her story is simple. They have been living together for several years together, he and she work, allow themselves a modest leisure and entertainment on his pocket, remove the apartment, plan to make children.
And he, of course, no rich. And to ensure in its understanding - it is to bring home salary, some of which they translate for the apartment, pay daily needs, etc.
And now he lost his job and looking for a new one, trying to overcome his despair and a feeling of worthlessness.
She is in a panic: what to give birth and contain children? How much still wait until the situation stabilizes, they will not stand up and returned to their plans again? After all, both are already far in 30 ...
As a result of her stories, we brought several beliefs that she did not give rest:
1) Men - the floor is weak, it is impossible to trust. Sooner or later, in his own or someone's intent, they will be unreliable.
2) In all, it is necessary to calculate only on yourself and anymore.
3) And in the depths of the soul, she is deeply offended on her husband, that he left her alone with real difficulties. Understanding that this could happen with everyone, and there are no guarantees, in the depths of the soul, it treated himself as the main sufferer in this situation.
Well, the topic is far from new in our world. The economic situation is changing, survival has again become one of the most important tasks.
Very easy to get on someone's side in this situation. For example, sympathize with the woman that she is the only stabilizer and support of the family now. It is possible, on the contrary, proceeding for her husband. It happens to everyone? People lose work - this is not the end of the world. You can maintain, and not panic about this. And the woman could be tolerant, then her husband would quickly recover from shock and found another job.
All this is so. But the point is not to decide who is right, and who is to blame.
The main commandment of the consultant in such matters is not to take a draw of the side, otherwise the help is impossible.
The situation is created by all sides of the conflict or crisis.
By the way, family psychology investigated such a polar characteristic of a family as chaoticism, on the one hand, and rigidity, that is, the rigidity of the established rules - on the other.
For example, in the described case, we can say that the family is enough Rigidna. Partners hold on their usual roles and the boundaries of the functional, considering what happened exclusively as a threat to the living world. They are both covered by wine, a feeling of helplessness, panic.
Families in which roles are rigidly distributed, any change is equal to the catastrophe. If the husband is a minider, and the wife is on the farm. It can hardly rebuild such a tough system. Even with obvious difficulties, diseases and economic crises, they will hold on to the usual roles at all costs. The purpose of this holding is the safety of the relationship, which they consider for themselves reliable and safe.
In chaotic families, the situation is different. They may refer to the situation described above, as an experiment, adventure. For example, we can use the loss of work for career growth, the implementation of the woman's ambitions, etc. As families with chaotic features are not accustomed to plan anything and hard to fix it, they can be easily adjusted.
However, in such families, permanent experiments make a feeling of danger and excessive variability. Not for all stages of family life, such options are suitable. For example, in a family in which small children grow, some stabilizing factors, rituals, habits are needed. Children learn to perceive the world in a certain way: "Dad cheerful, feeds dinner and brings money," "Mom plays with us, cares, it happens, angry. More time with us, while dad at work. " When the day after day everything changes, the children grow with the feeling that there is no solid soil under their feet. What the world is too changeable, it is not necessary to plan anything and keep any frames meaningless. This affects their adaptation in the social world, where the framework and boundaries still exist.
And the optimal option, as usual, is not in one of the polarities, but in the middle. Families with flexible roles and rules are able to revise their beliefs relative to each other and their usual roles, relatively easy they can adapt to the current situation, while experiencing the entire gamut of feelings - from the insult to Azart - and the pleasure of experiments and searching for something new to Himself. It is possible that having survived the crisis, they will return back to favorite strategies, but flexibility will allow passing difficulties in life easier and faster.
If you return to our pair at the beginning of the article, that is, the beliefs in which the heroine of history believes blindly, not correlating it with reality. For example, that her husband threw her alone with difficulties. Or that all men are weak. Categorical messages about yourself and other knowingly false. They lead to fixing their own rightness and the lack of an alternative look at the situation.
In addition, such conclusions are paralyzed by the immediate perception of reality. If this woman checks, then these findings did it much earlier than the current situation, but the husband happening in her life and life - only reminded of them. Instead of a clear and sober search for solutions, she fell into memories of past difficulties, giving his husband from himself, as well as opportunities to overcome the crisis.
Reviews are worthwhile from time to time, and the old and tales are throwing away. You are unlikely to wear clothes twenty years ago. So why believe in the truth that was the truth a lot of time ago. We recommend from time to time to carry out an inventory of your favorite beliefs about yourself, life, love, relationships, money, their capabilities. Perhaps some of these beliefs will be suspended with the material.
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin