In our society, such a developed, empathic, scientific empathy, to take others, such a tolerant and advanced, still adopted to brand people who for some reason are not suitable for our idea of the "right" state of affairs. Overweight, quantity or absence of children and, of course, the availability of a partner is all the reasons for displeasure us. Especially getting people lonely. Meanwhile, there is no pathology in being alone. We are trying to figure out where the roots of loneliness, how to accept it, love and overcome if you wish.
Let's start with the fact that each of us has its own idea of who such a lonely person. Most often, speaking about it, we mean a woman or a man without the "second half." Meanwhile, such loneliness is very different from the state, when there is no one around you literally. People - the creatures of social and without a single living soul next come, go crazy and degraded, with rare exceptions (remember Robinson Cruise from the product of the same name). Fortunately, situations when the frightening insulation occurs, the modern world practically does not provide for: in the extreme case, we always have access to the Internet, social networks, sites for dating and communicating, messengers - in a word, find contact with another person you can. It's completely different - already mentioned loneliness among the crowd, when there are many acquaintances, relatives and friends around, and a close person with whom I would like to share the present and the future, no. Speech today will go about him.
Reality
In the world, there are more and more people free from the relationships who are completely not suffering in their position. Congratulate yourself if you are one of the lucky ones who can live for yourself.
Fight
First of all, with complexes and prejudices. It is very difficult to accept your loneliness when society shouts: be paired, give birth to children! Respect ourselves and disagree on the semi-dimensions for the sake of status, remember: the longer you study your preferences, the better your partner will be.
Actions
Dissolve each other, without seeing anything and no one, is the idea of doubtful and suitable only to fabulous romance. In order not to be afraid of either in a pair, nor lonely, find your foundation - classes that make you a happy person.
Why generally loneliness scares and worries us? It's all about history
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In the field is not a warrior
Why generally loneliness scares and worries us? It's all about history. For our distant-distant ancestors, the community and belonging to each other were the key to survival. One hunter could not fill the mammoth, keep the fire in the cave and prepare from the mined meat dinner. One custodian of the focus could not give birth and protect children and at the same time find food. Even then it was clear that the family, let and not the same, to which we are accustomed, is a necessity. People united out of call of the heart or soul, but from this very need and desire to preserve their lives. Loneliness then, at the dawn of civilization, was synonymous with death.
Over time, the situation changed, but not for women, alas. A man in a patriarchal society, endowed with the rights and privileges, could easily afford the status of a bachelor, because the society "covered" him. From that one, or in a pair, almost nothing depended. Marriages were exclusively for the increase in the wealth of parents. Exceptions only proved this rule. But even if the young man decided that the family was not for him, he still retained the rights to the benefits of his family. Very otherwise the fate of girls looked, especially without dowry. What could happen to such ladies is very well described in classical literature, Russian and foreign.
All began to change closer to the twentieth century, with the start of Emancipation, the development of feminist movement and changes in society. Women got the right to work, vote, inherit - in a word, gradually became full members of society and understood that their happiness does not always depend on whether there is a man nearby.
Today, your status - whether you or chose proud loneliness in pare - almost no effect on your prospects. And yet now, when we do not need to survive and fight for the right to work, travel and enjoy, we preserve prejudice against those who remain for any reason alone. The centuries-old, even a thousand-year history of our species gave us an adorable set of resistant stereotypes. "One thing means that it does not fit anyone, it means that there is a bad character," "Blue stocking", "he is not just like that, there is something terrible in it," "Yes, she needs a breeding - Do you know these phrases that smell the one here, then there in our developed society? Alas, but it is the attitude towards lonely people from the side of fellow in society makes the status of a single such frightening and uncomfortable. And here is one who is not ready for relationships, seeks to find himself at least someone to get rid of terrible stigma, black tag. Do I need to say that it is very and very dangerous?
Today your status - whether you or chose proud loneliness - almost no effect on your perspectives
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Number one
The pressure of relatives and close surroundings sometimes pushes us to the actions, which we then regret. Among those, of course, the creation of a family is not from love and formed desire to be near your beloved, but because it is so accepted from false, irrelevant ideas that to be one "bad" and "scary". By the way, many women not only get married just from the desire to get married, but also give birth to a child in order to give birth. This behavior makes the unfortunate and the woman itself, and her partner, and her children who appeared in order for their mother alone. Another bright example is early sexual contacts, not because of the youthful love, but because "if I refuse, he will find another." We agree to tolerate the resentment and humiliation, systematic psychological and physical violence, just not to stay at the broken trough, not to become "single with a trailer." Insulting phrases in the address of those who decided to become lonely, do not add determination and enthusiasm. As we can see, openly or implicate, but society opposes those who do not rush to find a couple of or in a hurry to part with this pair. How to resist society with his imposed debt and learn how to take and enjoy your loneliness?
The first and main step is the awareness of its history and the roots of all those prejudices with which you encountered. It is important to clearly understand where it is in us this panic reluctance to stay alone with you. Unfortunately, the culture of communication with the most important and important person in your life (with you, of course) still remains on a depressingly low level. Attention and love of themselves are regarded as egocentrism, as well as unwillingness to devote themselves to anyone and sacrifice their interests for the status of a married or married man. And therefore you need this level to raise and keep it on a decent height. Learn to listen and hear yourself and your desires. Make lists of pleasant and inspiring you. Start and without pity, throw the hobbies that you do not suit. Learn to be sensitive and affection for yourself. Feel pleasure from the knowledge of yourself. The better you treat yourself, the more suitable and pleasant people will become the core of your environment.
How to resist society with his imposed debt and learn how to take and enjoy your loneliness?
Photo: unsplash.com.
It is very important to remember that your loneliness is not the result of the fact that you are not as necessary (and very often this beautiful thought they are inspired by the people closest to us - parents), and your conscious choice. Remember the famous wubbles of the poet of Omar Khayama and answer them all attacks and complaints: "So that wise life to live, know is needed quite a lot. Two important rules of remember for starters: it is better to starve than what I have. It's better to be better than with anyone. " The deep and wise thought of the Eastern Philosopher will always be relevant.
Independence and ability to provide their desires and needs is the key to happy and joyful loneliness, which will be a resource and educational condition, and not a miserable existence. To be in confidence that you should have someone - parents, friends, lovers, husbands or wives - it means to discover yourself for the creation and maintenance of many unnecessary connections, whose nature is a consumerism. It is necessary to live according to their forces and means, tightly stand on the legs and abandon the relationships that suggest any share of dependence. Women who are aware of those who are challenging, because "I got married," may fall into the wrong position, however, as well as men.
If you have done everything that we suggested above, and still feel discomfort from your loneliness, remember your friends! Good, durable friendly bonds, people to whom you can always turn, cry, worry, have fun, to whom you can help, stretch your hand and substitute your shoulder, is your reliable rear, your defense against unions, which happen only to Do not be one.
So, you know how to catch a buzz from your own loneliness, you know how to spend time alone with you, love and appreciate yourself and your time. Guess what the next step will be? The answer can be a line of creativity of another classic: "Love runs from those who chase for her. And those who are running running, rushes on the neck, "wrote at her time Shakespeare, and how he was right. If you enter into a relationship at any cost is not your goal, as a rule, the necessary person will automatically appear in your life with whom you will be easily and comfortable. In general, after therapy, the most productive relationship occurs with loneliness, because now you know the price, honest and frank with you and others, know how to deny and protect your borders, do not agree to any partner, if only it was. Loneliness is an excellent filter that sifts abusers and daffodils, whores and those who do not know how to be sensitive and empathic.
And what if such a necessary person does not appear and does not appear? Nothing. Nothing terrible, nothing bad, nothing criminal will not happen to you. After all, now you have a precious and useful experience of staying alone with you, and this time is not forced to stagnation in anticipation of the Prince, but minutes and hours dedicated to travel and discoveries, inspiration and growth over themselves, silence and experiments, the study of the world and themselves. Perhaps, we can advise the loneliness to everyone who is confused, lost and does not know how to live on. A better therapy come up with difficult.
Regina Evtushenko
Regina Evtushenko, Personal coach:
- Absolutely agree with the article. "Alone, everyone sees in itself what it is in fact," said Arthur Schopenhauer. A person must be interested in alone with him, that is, it should be self-sufficient. Alone is categorically not necessary to despair, it is necessary to use such a time for self-development, expand your horizons, find a lesson for the soul. Everything is simple - love yourself, and you will forget about loneliness, and when you about this is the most loneliness forget, you will suddenly come to life with decent people. How to overcome loneliness? Live hereby. We must live here and now. Start manifesting the initiative in communication, but remember that friendship is not tied in one day. Do self-development. Learn to save positive in any situation!
Three steps through (c) loneliness:
one. We remove fear. This is sometimes vital, but more often destructive and non-constructive feeling. Fearing loneliness, you close many opportunities for yourself.
2. Love His main interlocutor alone is himself. To be alone means to be close to great. Use this time for self-knowledge.
3. Change toxic surroundings, Which tells you about ticking hours and imposes other harmful stereotypes.