You, of course, sincerely experiencing a girlfriend and experiencing a maximum of hatred addressed to her young man, give her an uncompromising advice: "Yes, you went to all hells !!! Why don't he need you !!! From him some problems !!! " Girlfriend follows your advice, gives a buddler to the turn, and he naturally leaves. A few days later it turns out that in fact a friend can not live without it, and in general it is now unbearably lonely. And the smoother thing is that you are to blame for this situation ... And who gave such a "wonderful" council?
Or comes the husband home, tired and hungry. And the apartment reigns the artistic disorder, dinner is not ready, the wife has fun giggling in the kitchen with a friend for a glass of Martini, the child is busy will not understand what the lessons are not made ... In general, full of mess. My husband is flooded with blood, and he begins to yelling to his wife fiercely, to blame her in idleness, that he works, not to twist the hands, and she is having fun and can not make it easy to cook dinner and work out with the child. Wife, realizing that he partly husband and right, begins to feel guilty, justifies and apologizes. It only boosts her husband, he screams the former forest, the wife begins to cry. A friend comes to the scene, trying to protect his wife. Also gets from her husband: "And you have done something at all, if there is no obligations to the family, does not mean that there are no others." Now the wife begins to attack her husband: "They say, what kind of zin are offended !!!". And the husband begins to understand that he frightened a stick, and quiet. And Zina, betraying her husband "the role of guilty," begins to defend him, saying to his wife: "Come on, the man is tired with whom it does not happen." And so it can continue in a circle to infinity.
If you look at, in both cases, 3 roles are visible: victims, pursuer and rescuer. In the second, people even deftly exchange them.
So, the pursuer, he is tyrant, he is the executioner. Always accuses and attacks, considering himself true right. Rejoices the feeling of power, feels fair.
The victim is unhappy, dissatisfied with life, offended, always suffers, dependent on others, is looking for help. It is always ready to sacrifice himself, in secretly hoping that she will be redeemed for her suffering. And most importantly - will never be saved, no matter how much the rescuer did not try.
The rescuer - always helps, but his help is subsequently never appreciated and rewarded.
Such a model of relationship is rather common, and in all spheres of life. Many have come across this, even at work. For example, when an employee comes to you and says that he cannot cope with some task. You "include" rescuer: soothing, assure that you will help than you can, and then the responsibility for the result falls on you.
The game in this triangle is extremely destructive. But all participants receive bonuses. The victim does not solve its problems, in addition, as can be seen from the above examples (especially in situations with a girlfriend, which the boyfriend threw, and with a colleague), from this role it is very easy to manipulate others. In general, for this role, everyone is fighting, she is the most tale. The rescuer fully feels its value and need, helping the victim. The pursuer projects its helplessness on others, thereby finding the fault and throwing tension.
And now the main thing - how to get out of this triangle?
First of all, you need to realize that they are in it, and understand your role. It is important to remember that the roles are changing, so immediately refuse them from everyone and try to take the position of the observer in relation to what is happening around. In order not to be a victim, it is important to take responsibility for the satisfaction of your own desires and needs, not to wait for a successful coincidence of the circumstances and help from others. To abandon the role of the pursuer, it is necessary to see its role in what is happening and not attempting to seek to blame. And finally, about the rescuer - try not to interfere with the relationship of others, even if these others will be your relatives. Do not try to solve other people's problems when people themselves can cope with them, and even more so in cases where you are not asked about it. After all, one of the main differences between the rescuer from the assistant is that the assistant is involved where he is asked, and the rescuer is everywhere without parsing.
In general, be in harmony and take responsibility for your own life - the main secret of harmonious relationships with others;)
P. S.: In this text, I described the model Stephen Karpman.