Representatives of different psychological schools and approaches converge infrequently, but for sure what: three entities live in us, parts of our personality. We are talking about child, parent and adult. They say the harmonious, happy person is the one who is in Lada with all three of its parts, more than the rest in the position of an adult. But, as practice shows, even outwardly calm and harmonious people in this sense is not easy. So how to awaken in yourself "wise"? You will help the initiation process.
The initiation is a single word with a well-known "initiative": based on both designs - Latin Initium, that is, the "beginning". It is about the beginning - new stages of life - and will be discussed in our today's material. "What could be a mystery or problem here?" - you ask. True, because we all know these stages: Born, he studied, married, her child bore, aged, died. Everyone is experiencing transitions from one stage to another, badly coping and goes on ...
Alas, but this is not always the case. Some of us are stuck in childhood for a long time, never learning to take responsibility. Some fall into the other extremes and in parents are trying to control each of their own (and most importantly - and someone else's!) Action, in parallel, suffering from alarming disorder (still not worry, because the awareness of the awareness that you are not God, and keep everything under control not come out). We do not grow up in a real way, all our way remaining the "girl", "mother", "dad" or "son". In order to be sometimes with these entities, there is nothing wrong. Just remember what to fully live is to create your destiny, make a choice, mistake, recognize this and go ahead can exclusively your "adult" part. Without exploring it, you are stealing many opportunities and ignore your enormous potential. But to say: "Movers!" - Easy, but to make it really not easy. Here to the aid and comes the most initiation, that is, the process of transition of the individual to the new level of development.
Stand in front of me ...
What we think today seem to be for the first time, our great-grandfathers and grandfathers absorbed what is called, with Mother's Milk. Initiated them, then initiated them. The first and most importantly such rite was the baptism (and earlier - the introduction to another, other religion): So only the born baby from an incomprehensible convolution became a declared little man, the very transition of the person to the new stage was buried.
Some people are so all their life and remain in the role of children
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We have the most information about the initiation of children in adolescents, and then in adults. This seems to be folded all the fairy tales we know. Just remember: "Morozko", "Snow Maiden", "Sleeping Beauty", "Tsarevna-Frog", "Cinderella" ... With all the inclisions of the plots of the kernel, the uninshed, very young heroes pass through harsh, sometimes brutal tests, they say goodbye to their conditional Childhood to reborn in a different status - an adult man with all bonuses due to him (usually in the form of a happy marriage). These bonuses come to them with great difficulty, and not just because it has come time and the heroes have fulfilled the right number of years. It also happens that some of the initiation do not pass, and, alas, they cannot live further (this is just a well-known "Snow Maiden").
What we read about in the books was performed by our ancestors in reality, and in some traditional societies now and now. While modern civilization gives its grown passport citizens and empowers them to vote, African and American tribes initiate their children with the help of strange and almost always dangerous procedures. It is believed that, overcoming fear and pain, the child fully moves to the next step, "killing" in itself helpless childhood and giving the beginning of a new, adult life.
However, not all rituals on the transition from status to the status were unpleasant and painful. So, we know the Slavic rites of the idiot (the transition of girls to the status of a girl) and Kalita (the initiation of boys in the young men): Teenagers gathered together, wondered, measured by the forces and skills, secretly, shared intimate.
"I don't know why, but after the bachers with you I feel a real woman!" - Somehow said our company Marusya. She early lost mom, grew up with a loving father, but it was very good for some female advice and caress and therefore he always responded to the call to gather. Our meetings did not differ from ordinary girlfriends with girlfriends: gossip, a little wine, watching a romantic comedy ... Someone did a manicure in front of the screen, someone knitted, lazily shoved the phrases, and then fell asleep or diverged home. In a word, nothing unusual - but on the "uncivilized" Marus, which was deprived of the opportunity to spend such evenings with her mother and her friends, bachelides acted as a psychotherapist sessions. This is understandable, because it was literally not "translated" from the status of the girl, despite the fact that Marusi was grown up two sons, in which they and her husband did not care souls. Meetings with girlfriends gradually helped her to "ripen" to the titles "Mother" and "Wife."
Psychologists are confident: Today, entering sex life and even the birth of children does not always "translate" a person to a new level. It would seem: you are no longer a boy, but my husband (and often a father), because you have a woman and a baby, but this is one thing, but to realize, take and grow up - completely different. Our society, so fiercely delivering from the "remnants of the past" with its traditions and stands, is desperately lacking rituals and rites. After all, in addition to the magical and sacred meaning, which everyone has the right to endure or do not endow the ritual, it has another opportunity ... just prepare for big change.
It seems precisely preparation and is the main thing in such an important initiation process. "You know, I was not ready to become my father at all!" - Oleg complained about me somehow. With his wife, they wanted a child for a very long time, tried, ran through doctors, read many books. But Oleg did not happen in this story in this story. Later he himself talked about this: "I absolutely did not know what these children are. I never kept the baby on the hands. Never helped anyone with kids. Even the puppies and kittens did not care! When a parent happened, I wondered in Terra incognita in closed eyes, and this is despite the fact that it seems to be a bunch of everything. " And Oleg, unfortunately, could not talk about it with his own mother and dad, because early orphaned.
Even the presence of marriage and children does not guarantee that. that you "Dorosli" to the role of parent
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So often happens with living parents. Due to difficulties in communicating with the generation of "fathers" and without special initiating rites, yesterday's young men and girls move literally to the touch, not realizing that they live a change of life stages. Fortunately, some of this responsibility took over the society as a whole: we say goodbye to the kindergarten and go to school, then the last call is ringing for us, after we enter the university, then to work. But sometimes the processes of cultivation cannot be compared with the processes of socialization, and then yesterday's student goes to the status of the "Eternal Student" and without citing the moment of true mat. Let's figure out what it is and how to help yourself go to a new stage.
Someone strong and big
Adult - who is it for you? I immediately imagine an most powerful figure, calm and moderately powerful, good, strong and very stable. Agree, it's good when someone is protected and behaves. And how terrible to lose such a mentor! But you need to admit: sooner or later our big and wise adult (parents most often are in this role) ceases to behave. And then our turn arises to take over this responsibility. It is responsible for their own life and consists of growing essence. Our inner child does not think about it at all, his role is to express our desires and dreams, rejoice and surprise. But the parent part of our life is not about the answer to himself; She seeks to control, direct and patronize others. Only truly growing personality is able to plan without drama and anxiety and accept the consequences of their actions.
I seemed very long to me that I was exactly the "big"! I have so many duties, so many daily tasks and cases. And only quite recently, I realized that all my "deeds" are the affairs of my relatives and loved ones who need my help. This is a common story: often externally responsible and collected people are ideal "parents." They protect and create, defend and lead everyone around, except themselves. The outcome of this story is one: sooner or later you have strength, and your life will be empty without concerns about neighboring. Where in such a situation without drama and anxiety!
There are other examples. My friend Christina is a visual example of a child in the body of an adult woman (despite her three children). According to Christina, everyone should help her, because she is a single mother, and even three! If the help does not turn out to be, then all its surroundings that could not be counted, becomes guilty of her failures. Everyone is obliged to enter her position, understand, forgive, give up.
I and Christina - two bright representatives and not a matured tribe, which desperately need to go to the status of an "adult". It is also in age and by age, and on external attributes (children, cats, husbands and other life). And such as we, thousands. So how to be?
First of all, realize your status and true state of affairs. You can be a large father who never became a man, a woman under fifty years trying to control the fate of other people, a very young young man, ahead of which is a wonderful new world. One thing is important: you understand that for some reason you do not "tax" with your life.
The next step is an understanding that without certain actions will not happen to the most desired growing. No wonder in traditional societies initiation is associated with physical pain. So parents protect their children from pain spiritual, preparing them for such a different life. Remember what usually makes us stronger? The fact that almost broke us once. I do not urge you to urgently turn to the bloody rituals, but I pay attention to: to become an adult, it is necessary to conditionally say goodbye to childhood, and sometimes it is not just sad and difficult, but truly injures.
First of all, it is necessary to stop accuse other people in their own state of affairs. Yes, it happens that the environment really affects our fate. But absolutely not sure they make your story! Practice decision making every day. Let it be completely tiny, meaningless (at first glance) actions: the choice of clothing, the paths for which you will go to work, the road, dinner, which you prepare, the time of waste to sleep. Learn not only to make a choice, but also accept its consequences, understanding possible risks.
Try to work out financial independence. This is a very important aspect of growing up. Budget planning, life, without debts and loans that you cannot close - a sign of a mature personality.
Learn to count exclusively on yourself, while not afraid to ask for help. At the same time, we immediately leave the image of the superchel: Excellent that you know exactly what you can cope with any situation, but you understand when you can and you need to call friends and loved ones, and do not hesitate to do it.
Finally, put your interests in the chapter. At this point there are two important points that it should be agreed. First, your interests should serve you yourself. If you "ship" by these parents or spouse, your "children's" part is valid. Secondly, it is important to understand what to do the way you want, very much (!) Is difficult. It hinders a sense of duty and a sense of guilt, following us on the heels and so familiar to people who are in the "parental" position. To learn, you need to practice. There is an opportunity to do the way you want? Do not think!
One of the powerful initiation practices is considered ... haircut!
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Before jumping
And what is the initiation? What does she have here? Communication Direct: Initiation is a story about training, about the accumulation and acquisition of forces, about finding power over himself and his life. Obviously, after you have strength, and power, become adults - only the matter of time.
Of course, the speech now does not go about magical rituals and rites, which, in the opinion of the ancestors, should have been magically to turn the boy in a man, but a girl in a woman. But completely without them can not do. It is important to choose what will work for you. One of the powerful initiation practices is considered ... haircut! Yes, yes, the usual trip to the hairdresser. Have you never noticed that a new hairstyle gives you a completely new feeling of yourself, gives new opportunities and desires? The mechanism of work of this "ritual" is simple: you are forgiven with the past, cutting off the whole old, who has been taped and unnecessary, programmed themselves to the actions that were not ready before, - and now you are already pending your fate. That is why it is so important to listen to the wishes of children and adolescents who seek to experiment with appearance: for the absence of other traditional ways to go to the new status of the image change - the working version.
Another allegedly "magic", and in fact very landed and understandable way is the conditional "cleansing". Remember how much our ancestors greeted to the bath. Here the conceived of children and gave birth, they prepared for all important events, whether it was a wedding or a funeral of relatives. How long have you been in the bath, in the sauna, yes, just docked in the bathroom, but so that no one distracts you? Arrange such a day.
Important meetings with like-minded people. Already mentioned bachelides have a truly therapeutic effect. You are in a favorable environment, next to those who are ready to help and listen, you "go ground" and feel the beauty of the moment - and such everydays, it would seem, the gatherings give strength and the desire to live.
Finally, for those who want to reboot as much as possible, are good and extreme ways (of course, remember the safety!). My girlfriend of light somehow tried Bunji-jumping. This is a jump down from a high height on a long rubber rope, literally jumping into the emptiness. Svetlana said that it was the most desperate and most correct act in her life. When weighing all the risks, left alone with fear, she was able to initiate himself as an adult, leaving a carefree childhood behind his back.
In fact, it is not very important that your rite of initiation will be. The times when rituals were regulated and concerned everyone, and now we can choose what is suitable for us. Pre-Wedding Party? Courses of young fathers? Vacation in the village without phones and laptops? Travel to Tibet? Vows silence or repair with your own hands? The main thing is that the path you choose has led you to yourself - a strong, calm and able to manage your life.
Help yourself - how?
Let's see that part of yourself that needs care and love. When we admit to ourselves that we have someone to protect, the adult is becoming increasingly significant.
Keep track of what tone communicate ... with themselves. Remember what and how you say yourself when there is a failure. Eight out of ten of us reports themselves, mercilessly scold and criticize. Do not let such an attitude towards yourself (even from yourself!). Be calm and soft.
After stopping himself, stop doing it with others. The search for the guilty - a sign of an immature person, which is trying to shift a part of his responsibility to another. The fact remains a fact: even if you find a "villain", it will not help you cope with the task.
1. Child . In different schools and approaches, in different ways, this is your part that is responsible for the ability to dream, wish, rejoice and fantasize. Children's part is guided by the verb "I want." Regularly satisfy the "Wishlist" of the inner child.
2. Parent. Parental types in us are different - both strict, criticizing, harshly controlling our children's sincere impulses, and wise, receiving, supporting. The verb of the parent is "necessary."
3. Adult. Finally, the one who ideally balance the relations of our internal children and parents is creating and managing, evaluates the strength and analyzes - our inner adult. His verb is "I can": as adults, we know exactly what they are capable of, and from what it is better to refuse.