In my practice, I constantly come across a lack of confidence in myself and inability to adequately evaluate myself. Moreover, the importance of these problems is underestimated. The person comes and says: "Include" confidence, "lift" self-esteem. "Here, of course, thank you very much stamps from movies and pseudo-stovers who inspire that if you can tell you in front of the mirror" you can ", all problems are solved. The roots of the problems with self-esteem are much deeper and working with them systemically.
Psychologically mature
Incorrect self-esteem arises from an incorrect value system. And the wrong system is from the incomprehension of real age and psychological. Forget about numbers in the passport, even in old age, people manage to stay at the level of development of a schoolboy. Exclusive psychological age is important - the result is not the processes of aging, but the passage of the personality of certain growing processes. When a person is born, he needs to learn to own his body, then he learns to control emotions, a teenager is accumulated knowledge and learns to live in society, young people trones himself in maximalism, etc. The first phases are almost all, but then failures are happening. As a result, a person is formally adult, but not ready for adult life, and therefore nothing happens.
In the post-Soviet space, most people are stuck at the phase of the teenager, and this is a catastrophe. What is a teenager? A person dependent on someone else's opinion, ready to climb out of the skin for someone else's approval. At this stage of personality ripening, the moral law (according to Kant) is not yet formed, it replaces the search for external authority and the absence of his own opinion on many issues. Here you have problems in self-esteem, and eternal uncertainty.
The only way out is to grow up. How much do not read the mantra in front of the mirror, real confidence begins with the level of an adult. Adult - this is what I teach those who turn to me.
1. Do not let the will of emotions.
2. Exclude the consequences of actions.
3. Recommend to the present and future, and not for the past.
4. Observe the balance between social obligations and your interests.
5. Word your understanding "bad" and "good", ignore the criticism of people with other ideas about good and evil.
Do not scold yourself
In some issues, our brain is the most real enemy. The Council "Do not scold yourself" I gave in my practice, probably, a million times. When we scold ourselves, we are always non-constructive and looped on the events that have already happened that cannot be changed. We twist these shameful pages in the head and punish ourselves for the fact that it is no longer possible to change. Of course, no confidence in myself, no self-esteem and speech can be. You twenty years ago, I ate Babushkino jam and dumped into a cat! Oh no no no! Definitely, such a bad person is not worthy of paying to the salary, there is nothing even to hint on it the boss.
Confidence will come when you remember that the past is not. Past passed. There is only a real, which requires you maximum attention and concentration. Therefore:
1. To scold yourself stop.
2. I remember the mistakes of the past only with the purpose of analyzing and no longer repeat.
Learn to say "no"
"No" - the most magical word in our lexicon. These three letters will protect you from manipulators that constantly repulse your requests to solve all-all their problems. Why is it important? Because when you do the business of your manipulator, your own business is idle. Hence the dissatisfaction with itself. And refuse scary, because you will think bad then - and the person in the psychological phase of the teenager is so important the opinion of others! Now you understand why we started with the discussion of psychological age?
If these three magic letters are given to you with difficulty, work out this:
1. Understand that reasonable refusal does not make you a bad person.
2. Realize: Failure does not mean that you treat a person badly. Who says the opposite - that manipulator.
3. At first, put the norm - 10 "no" per day. You can refuse ten times for any reason - very good! If hard, at least five times.
4. If you can not find the forces to refuse, ask yourself when the last time you yourself asked for help from this particular person and received this help. Remembered - help. And in nine cases out of ten with a clean conscience, tell the manipulator "no".
To this three, the Fourth, banal: desire. If you are in the development stage of "Teenager", for further growth, you need to make great efforts and constantly monitor your motivation. You will have to become a baron Munchhausen, who pulled out of the marsh of the pigtail. In real life, such a trick would not allow to turn physics, but in psychology, the high motivation works wonders. Work on yourself, do not give up, and together with the acquired maturity and self-confidence.