Or one wonderful evening it comes SMS. You, accidentally noticing the name of the sender, ask: "Who is it?" And he throws: "Yes, nothing important."
All the horror and indignation, that so far your partner has not forgotten the last love, fell upon you. Millions of thoughts rush in the head: "He still loves her," "she wants to return it," "And here, then, I?", "Why didn't he tell me that they still communicate?" ...
And such situations are often.
Let us try to figure out how it turns out that in relations, in addition to real partners, their former Passias participate. I will give a few examples from practice. The consultation came a man who had been married for some time, brought up children. But in crisis moments in relations with his wife fell into the melancholic memories of his long-standing former love. Even supported a weak connection with her, congratulated on the holidays, traced her page in social networks. He did not change his wife and did not even try to return the past. As a result of work in the psychological group, he was able to realize that he was just hiding from the present deepening in relations with his wife. The depth, the proximity and intimacy of him were afraid. He truly disturbed that his wife could be too close to him, see his vulnerable parties. Therefore preferred to run into romantic memories of the past. The final point in this story was the fact that he went to his hometown, from where he was coming and his former. There they met and talked why their relationship did not work out, as they now live and what their vital tasks they have. Then this man told in the group: "It is difficult to find a person in the world more distant for me than my former! We are so different people that they could not live together today! I returned from my city with a huge relief from what I put the point. I no longer need to live illusions about missed happiness. " After that, the man truly adult began to communicate with his wife: became more frank and affordable, he spoke to her openly about everything that worries them. It incredibly brought together a couple and insulated their relationship. The result of all this was the birth of another child.
Another participant found that her partner talks too close with his ex-girl friendly with her, goes to visit. Jealousy and indignation of our participants did not know the limit. As a result, the best option for herself she chose parting with the beloved. There were no weeks as her former guy and his former Passasya began to live together. Subsequently, our participant told that he guessed that her partner uses her like anasthesia to survive the gap. That the relationship itself with him was some stretched, artificial, without special feelings from both sides. For our participant, it was a lesson that he should not seek non-free partners.
Another case occurred with a woman in a fairly mad age. She was married, raised her daughter. Her short marriage can be called unhappy: a former husband drank and beat her. After the birth of the child, they divorced. Participating in groups, surrounded by her people supporting her, she admitted that she really didn't love her husband. And that she truly was tied to his institutional friend. The upbringing of the "good, right girl" played a cruel joke. She kept the memory of his beloved for many years, her daughter, afraid to appeal to him again. The fear of the rejection was so strong that she, even left alone after the divorce, did not decide to do this until his daughter had grown and did not move from her. Loneliness and the idea that there is nothing more to lose, pushed our participating to the fact that she found her beloved, which himself was divorced for many years ago and alone lived. It turned out that their feelings were preserved each other. And let them already at all are not 20 years old, they began to communicate and rumble again, trying to crash 35 years of separation.
If you summarize all these cases, then the main idea is: "unfinished" relationship is like an iron forgotten house, not turned off from the outlet. They attract attention and energy, throw us into the past. We argue our former words that had to be said once, justify or ask late forgiveness. Nevertheless, there is nothing more real for us than unfinished relationships. We all know it all. But when we see that our partner has not completed the relationship, and already trying to build them with us, then this is a delicate moment. You will not be able to interrupt this contact for it: neither blackmail nor hysteria, nor sex from morning to evening nor intrigue will save you from the fact that your partner is not yet free.
Completion of relationships is a special process that requires time and accommodation all related to the breakdown of feelings: resentment, sadness, anger, unaffected love and tenderness, guilt and emptying. It is absolutely impossible to hurry it or jump. It is possible only to just support a person who is experiencing his loss. The psyche does not know how to exclude the experiences. She knows how to suppress them, freeze or out. But all this is until time. Moreover, the displaced feelings tend to entail the entire emotional world at all. Therefore, people seem empty, superficial, selfish, unable to love and sympathy. And there is no better medicine from past love, than to survive everything that has been accumulated, and let go of the past.
Thus, the choice remains yours. Either recognize that a person next to you is not free to you completely, that he needs support and participation. Either frankly recognize that this option is not suitable for you, and part.
In any case, there is no "magic tablet" or a universal way to solve such a problem. For someone, the presence of "former" is escape in illusion, for someone - unfinished love, which no one is going to complete. For someone, it's just a way to look beautiful: keep your former beloved after a hard break. And for someone it is a way to cope with wine for parting.
The main thing is to clarify the situation for yourself, which is often not worth creating drama from it.
Maria Dyachkova (Zemskova), Psychologist, Family Therapist and Leading Training Personal Growth of the Mary Khazin Training Center