In the head of the great set of people, the idea was covered tightly that they were providing their parents of a hazardous old age and a happy life, especially when they retire, lose their social activity and the usual circle of communication.
The duties of adult children adult parents include financial care and emotional donation. The older generation is increasingly bringing grandchildren, set up with them at home, provide joint leave, rest, call several times a day, take on a lot of household troubles.
I am sure that most reading these lines will say: "What's wrong with that? So it should be, it is even a norm of communication with the older generation. "
Indeed, this is some norm. But let's consider what restrictions and personal difficulties imposes this social norm.
First, blaming some of the parties in the fact that it is not express, there is no point. There are deep motives in creating with their parents the same relationship as with children.
As a rule, it happens in families who are worried about difficult times: one of the parents is sick, drinks, depressed or cannot resolve financial problems. Sometimes it happens when parents are bred. Children deeply sympathize with one of them, try to heal their pain and loneliness, involuntarily becoming a patron, more adults in relation to someone from their relatives.
This state of affairs paralyzes the will and personal activity of the older generation. Instead of adequately to meet his old age, possible loneliness, the loss of the former activity and the liveliness, survive this own crisis and rely on the new quality of your life, they regress to the state of young children, lose their experience, wisdom and vitality, becoming dependent on their own Children.
Of course, in this state a lot of benefits: for example, do not face face to meet with such inexorable things in life, like loneliness, wilting, aging, grief, unrealized dreams and plans. Life that is strongly inserted into the life of your own children, as if coming to life again.
Eric Erickson, who investigated the age crises, wrote that the old age in which the integration of all life experience was integrated was rich. And the old age in which the regression and rollback takes place to previous positions is deeply permeated with the alarm, fear, a sense of guilt and the complete absence of a pacification.
Children who have become their parents are also deeply unhappy. On the one hand, the omnipotent position gives them a sense of control. All issues of nutrition, entertainment, treatment, learning are taken under strict control. At the same time, their life is totally subordinated to the role of the parent. This means that there is an additional load from the point of view of finance, time, the number of converted things. Extreme cases of such a parent do not give adult children to create their own family and give birth to children. Many are not able to free themselves from the feeling of guilt and debt in front of their parents.
And if you create, then this family, as a rule, is always subordinated to the rhythm of the life of an old man: "You need to go to my mother, my mother must be called, it must be taken with us, it is also helpful to rest." ...
Russian researchers suggest that most families in the country live under one roof with their parents and children. They do not have a separate personal territory. Mother or fathers, that is, the older generation has the right to interfere with their adult children, give advice to raise children or on matters of marriage. Such children even have the attributes of adult life, in fact they did not fall into it. They are still firmly connected with their parents and did not pass the separation process, that is, a divorce, separation with parents. They are ready to remain in this regard at any cost, even by patronage and parenting to the eldest generation. Because this connection though brings a lot of inconveniences, but it protects against adulthood, independence and complete personal freedom.
In such a state, a person takes full responsibility for what life he lives and what values created. It's some kind of blame for him and no one to write off his inconsistency in any spheres of life. This freedom and infinity are so strong and little is aware that it is easier to cover this fear with constant bustle and rescue of your loved ones.
As, for example, adulthood is to give the opportunity for their aging parents to survive the whole range of feelings about this, including the fear of an imminent death, and in their own way to adapt to these experiences, without smoothing and not understood them.
I'm not talking about what we must completely forget about my parents and refuse to help them. But you need to watch out what balance in life you build up. Perhaps this is to the detriment of your tasks, your family or even common sense. Then this is a good signal to stay in causing good.
Maria Dyachkova (Zemskova), Psychologist, Family Therapist and Leading Training Personal Growth of the Mary Khazin Training Center