What just do not go people to keep their marriage bonds. It is not about the most beautiful requests for forgiveness, dear gifts, fidelity and eternal love swirls.
All this is attempts to strengthen the connection with the beloved. But there are other ways in a sustainable, often marital couple partners use unconsciously.
In family therapy, these methods are called relationship stabilizers. Another geometry we know that after 3 any dots you can always pave a plane. Those 3 points always create greater stability than 2. Stools on 3 legs tighter than 4, etc. According to the same principle, stabilizers work. When the relationship between partners is glowed, or the next crisis of family life was drowning, and the spouses do not know how to purely express their feelings, experiences, desires, they resort to the mediator between them.
Here are frequent Examples of these methods:
one. Mortgage . When the atmosphere is glowed into the pair, and the spouses are increasingly difficult to find an explanation for what they do together, they are configured to the far goal. For this, the mortgage is well suited for 15-20 years. Financial burden helps to strudule their lives, set up both spouses that they are waiting for ahead of the long life, from many excesses, quarrels and scandals need to be abandoned to achieve this most distant goal. The same applies to the acquisition of cottages that require annual repairs.
2. Work. A well-known way to cope with accumulated difficulties is to indispens your anger, despair or irritation in a "peaceful bed". Unfortunately, escape to work or workolism is one of the most frequent ways to solve interpersonal conflicts. And in many ways it is ineffective. The fact is that distance is growing between partners. The greater the distance, the greater the need to escape from isolation in the work, which means that the distance is growing. And so the closed circle is formed.
3. Alcoholism and / or severe diseases . Often in pairs there is a unlawful treaty that the relationship is strong only when there is someone who cares, and the other in this care needs. When there are children in such a pair, they find themselves under the dense care of their parents. When children grow up, one of the partners is unconsciously invited to the role of the concern. To do this, it is enough to show your own helplessness: to drink or seriously get sick.
four. Close relatives . This is another option. To stabilize relations with each other, to safely quarrel and find out the relationship, in family topics "draw" moms, dads, grandmothers, brothers, etc. As a rule, problems with the oldest generation are becoming the theme of family conversations and troubles. This allows partners to distract to a safer topic than to talk about their own relationships.
five. Lovers and mistresses . This method is unjustly standing at the end of the list, although it is the most popular. All emotional heat in relation to each other is discharged in love relationships on the side. Which often it seems that the mistress is closer than the wife. Or the lover is much more sensitive and caring her own husband. In rare cases, it happens, but in fact the love triangle is because it is so attractive, which serves pleasant anesthesia from frustration in marriage.
I do not say that these ways are bad, unworthy or wrong. Just each of them has its price and consequences. It is one thing to talk about my problems and feelings, the other is to try to overcome the abyss that arose after the treason. Look for ways to communicate with each other directly, without using unwanted intermediaries.
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin