The exhausting, painful, causing pain and despair, which does not give a breather, takes away all the forces, destructive - so describe the feeling of jealousy, everyone who ever felt it. Psychologists say that, in its intensity, jealousy can be compared with the grief of loss, with one difference alone: the sorrow is still going. Are you a jealous? We find out how it threatens you, whether it is worth struggling with this character line and how to take the top over it.
It happened that I grew among the draft beliefs: "Call His Jealousy!", "Let it fuck", "jealous - it means he likes." And, of course, this loved in my imagination was drawn with an exclusively passionate and evil jealous, who does not give me a descent, because how to do without scenes and suspicions as in the movies? My romantic ideas about how it should be, was heated and literature: the heroine of a large and small prose either cause jealousy of their chosen elections (remember at least a frivolous Olga Larina), or suffer from suspicions themselves.
Since childhood, we think that real love is hand in hand with jealousy - and, by the way, we also experience it since childhood. True, when they make kids, we will fail and can even laugh at the spectrum of the emotions of our child. It seems that adult sensations differ - but in fact, jealousy there is no age, and the nature of it is alone for the one-year-old Karapuza, and for a schoolboy in love, and for the Great-Aged husband.
Proper name
Surprisingly, the psychologists, who have long been fixed and calling jealousy, could not definitely say about where it comes from, they did not answer the question, there are those who are not jealous at all (obviously, no), and did not agree that What is this, in the end, that.
Most researchers of human souls agree that jealousy is a sense of complex, primarily associated with fear losing love, recognition, position, influence. Together with fear, a big role is played by the insult ("I preferred to someone!"), Anger and thirst for possession.
If we take this theory, it becomes obvious: jealousy is capable of feeling all people. Moreover, even mammals are familiar with these "adorable" experiences. I remember how to the apartment where our old cat reigned, brother brought a cute fluffy kitten. The emergence of a competitor, over which all the households were delivered, changed MOSCI to unrecognizable: he simultaneously became unusually affectionate, and aggressive, and capricious. And if the "monster with green eyes" affects our smaller brothers, just imagine what it does with our souls!
Jealousy is described as exhausting, painful and destructive feeling
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The belief is common that jealousy is the consequences of childhood injuries, as a result of which a person did not have a sense of self-relief; Simply put, instead of an adequate self-esteem, he got lowered. Such a person always expects that he will be left for someone and something better, because he is not worthy of any love or loyalty.
This is partly so: indeed, according to statistics, most of the jealies came out of dysfunctional families. But, in front, and who is not from that? Rare parents (and if you are parents, this is not a reproach, but the recognition of the facts) do not apply to their children of certain injuries, and first of all our self-profit suffers from them. Secondly, even if you are fine with self-esteem (you, for example, have risen from conscious moms and dads or a long time and carefully worked on yourself), it does not give guarantees that you will never get to know an intense cocktail of fear, anger And doubt.
So, we agreed that jealousy is one of the most pleasant, then exactly from among the common human feelings with which we are somehow faced. We are jealous of us, jealous of us. It happens ... automatically! We can neither include, neither more turn off its effort to consciousness or "gathering" how to advise a good environment to advise.
So, my girlfriend, the pretty creation, brought up in a strict patriarchal family and accustomed to restrain her impulses, turned into Furia in a moment, obsessed with mania of control, if her husband was delayed at work or did not take the phone. "You will not believe that something in the brain clicks - and everything carries off the road. Resenting, pain, feeling that right now he betrays me, "the girlfriend complained.
So, we still have to be pushed from fear, torment doubts and torment our partners? Fortunately, there are techniques using which can be monitored and reduced the intensity of these "attacks". True, it is important here to understand that they are not capable of acting on any jealousy.
Trust but verify
The fact is that scientists distinguish between four types of this feeling. Normal and understandable to everyone - the jealousy is a situational, whose roots are not in your inclination to proper or constant fear and dislike for themselves, but in a particular situation that has developed in objective reality.
Jealousy is:
Fear. Of the whole cocktail of jealousy, fear is a dominant feeling. In the very fear there is nothing bad: this is a signal to mobilize all forces. But constantly testing it is harmful and even dangerous. Wear in the case - our motto.
Anger. Fearing is included in the powerful basic emotion - anger, which speaks about the categorical disagreement of your being with what is happening. Would you like to like when you (how do you think) change to someone else? Anger need to give the way out - beating the pillows to help you.
Resentment. Gorky, pulling, selecting insult forces - a mixture of sadness and pity for themselves, feelings of acute injustice and the wrongness of what is happening. This is the most destructive of the entire spectrum of emotions, she does not have a "back" -positive side.
My good buddy Sasha, the calm and phlegmacy among us, recently struck the whole company, setting up his lady a real stage: I saw that that in open flirt with the bartender of the institution where we gathered. Here it is, a very real reason for which anger and fear and insult can be climbed inside.
However, why go far? My own child who will only recognize the world of feelings and emotions, has already met situations in which jealousy is justified. He calmly deals with its important things in the playground, but it is worthwhile to contact me anyone else's kid (God forbid, if I am talking to him or take a hand!) - Everything, the Son strive to go to me with a warlike plan, in which horror is guessed: "Mom will now prefer me to someone else!" In a word, jealousy is clear when you fall into a situation in which it is natural to be afraid that relationships may not be changed for the better.
This type of jealousy is familiar to everyone, and often it is a signal to inventive relationships. Why was the situation that served as an impetus for jealous? Perhaps your union is experiencing not better than the best times?
If you encountered a situational jealousy, it is important to do two things: live it in full (cry, worry, share with your loved ones), and then "to hide" for a while, even if the desire to talk with the partner eats you from the inside. Time-out will give you the opportunity to reactually with you, then calm down and make a revaluation: Do there really have a reason for fear and excitement? Did it happen before?
But, perhaps, the main question that will ask himself every jeep, as follows: Is it worth talking about their feelings with the object of jealousy? Our advice is unequivocal: worth it! Use "I-messages", do not blame, do not attack, talk about your experiences and about the factors that led them. "Unknown, silence and suspicion at the worst scared and vulnerable me", "I didn't know where you were, and I was very worried about" - about such phrases you do not watered your partner, tell him about myself.
It is important to understand that with situational jealousy does not need to somehow fight. And yes, these sharp manifestations can go hand in hand with real love. But if suddenly your partner is not jealous, it does not speak at all about his indifference! There is, there are among us these exotic individuals - people who are so firmly on their feet, love themselves and others that they managed to get rid of their fear for their relationship. It is really a big rarity, and more often the absence of claims to you for late returns or regular walks with the best friend are restrained feelings inherent situational jealousy.
But there are times when single episodes are becoming increasingly and more often, and now anxiety, fears, suspicions, anger and resentment on a partner capture you ... I recently caught myself that almost all the time I stay in obsessive states: I constantly want to call or Write your husband, find out what he is doing, to touch his sphere of interest, to control his movement and contacts. Live in such a rhythm is extremely hard - and is it? Usually a person who is familiar with the pathological jealousy (and this condition is also called), puts the cross on its own hobbies and hobbies, fully concentrating on the object of his passion and "reasons" for outbreaks of suspicion, rage or doubt in his love.
Feelings that require correction. At once, this problem could not solve this problem, because the pathological jealousy is only the visible part of the Iceberg of psychological problems, the essence of which is in the fear of loneliness and the pain of the rejection. Both both - the experiences with which we meet in childhood, and again "see" a psychotherapist will help with them.
Here I want to remember about the "affected side" and talk about those who are a partner of jealous. I also visited this side of the barricades: I was intimidated by suspicions and complaints, Donimali in constant control, increased the voice, saw in every my step hidden intent and the desire to insult their "shameless" behavior. Alas, there is no point in leading the second half to a specialist: without his own desire, nothing will come from the jealous. But you should not go for him, limiting your contacts and movement. I tried to do so, but it became clear: the fact is that the real causes of jealousy are not in my behavior, but in his mental injuries. Some of the ideal I behaved, home-grown Othello found reasons for scenes and discontent.
The third type of jealousy is facing: suspicions about the partner are based on what ... You yourself change! Everything is simple: realizing that this is possible on the one hand, you conclude that there can be similar stories "on the wrong beach".
Chief Council: If you are a pathological, graft or addressed revision, aware of my problems, it is worth contacting a psychologist or psychotherapist
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The fourth type is the so-called grafting jealousy, when constant suspicions in the wrongness were a family model, and parents really changed each other without hiding their love adventures from children. Growing, such children do not know that there is a different scenario, and they are jealous constantly, but not sharply: such sensations do not bring a huge pain, rather they look like a background itch.
Hands off!
Chief Council: If you are a pathological, graft or addressed revision, aware of my problems, it is worth contacting a psychologist or psychotherapist. But is there any self-help scheme, following which you could easier to experience the attacks of acute fear and resentment? Of course!
As in any case, the first step is made: you recognized the availability of the problem and realized that you want to get rid of it. As a rule, her essence is that you are not aware of your own value as a separate personality and are forced to find yourself in a relationship with someone. Naturally, with this situation, you feel a constant anxiety: it seems to you that any impact from the outside is a real threat to the relationship, and there will be no them - there will be no integrity in you.
It suggests a natural second step: you must regain the feeling of your own value, which will not depend on the presence or absence of your partner, its loyalty or infidelity. And in order to concentrate on yourself, you need to switch the entire most powerful resource that you spend on control, investigations, suspicion and experiences. All this stock is crushed over.
Whenever I caught myself thinking about the "object", I figured out an urgent matter who does not require adventures. Cleaning, washing, sorting things - after a month of such a practice, I not only learned how to redirect attention, but also put in order all the cabinets and shelves in the apartment.
Effective homemade psychotherapeutic practices are counted twisting dolls, drawing, modeling. If the attack of jealousy found you at work and you can't return to the reality in which the head urgently requires a report, walk, waving his hands, make a pair of squats, arrange a mini jogging around the office.
Step Three: Create your own circle of interests and cases in which there will be no object of your jealousy. It is important to you to realize that "there is a life on Mars", or rather, life without your chosen one, - and it is beautiful, interesting and saturated! This understanding does not mean that you urgently need to part. On the contrary: Partners who retain their interests protect their borders and have a notorious personal space, the relationship is more harmonious, deep and stable, rather than in the jealousy and adverse jealousy of spouses.
Finally, let your negative emotions be! Jealousy is really seriously worried, it captures all our creature - it means that it is necessary to drive it off not only from the mind, but also from the body. In the hardest minutes, you dance, dance, jump, ride on the swings, shout, shake hands, beat the pillow - let the tension and fear go. According to the law of energy conservation, the feelings of relaxation and strength will be "will come" to the freed place.
As Balzac said, the jealous doubts not in his partner, but in himself. It is important to know your fears, strength and resources. The knowledge of itself is a more fascinating process than jealousy devouring from the inside.