"I want a child, but I'm afraid." These words have to hear more often than I would like. And they say their women about 30 years old, in all successful and consistent. It would seem that any goals associated with "have something" or "become someone" by the shoulder. Career, Apartments, Machines, Travel & Events, Friends, Hobbies - Easy! But children - no! It is scary to abandon the lives that live, and exchange it on the vague pleasures from diapers, diapers, walks in parks with a carriage and baby screaming in it.
But this does not happen with everyone, the children from most are still born, despite fears and fears.
So what's the thing? How it turns out that the young girl's breathtaking young girl is simultaneously afraid to become a mother and never become her?
The paradox is that the readiness to become a mother depends on many factors, and often readiness from the inside matures later the public age norm of motherhood.
Such a phenomenon is called "Social neurosis". By age and social status, by 30 years, it is necessary to want to have children or already be the mother at least one child. The desire to be in order pushing the woman to convince himself that the child is good and cute, although in fact she is afraid of children! Or rather, what cool life devices will have to go to become a mother. In the pursuit of the approval of the Society, a woman strive to enter the "norm", hiding and pushing out their fear of becoming pregnant.
In addition to public views on the normal age for motherhood, there is also own fear of pregnant or give birth .. In many ways, it is dictated by personal painful experience associated with children. As often, it is necessary to hear about abortions that had to be done on youth when there was no one, with whom it could be advised about the adoption of such a decision. With the years, the desire to become a mother matures, but the last experience dictates his will. Absolutely "in the same place 'a woman admits to himself:" I want a child, but I'm afraid. "After all, pregnancy will bring a reminder of her last experience, about the feeling of guilt and shame, often such an experience is kept secret from loved ones.
Fear of childbirth, according to family therapists and prenatal psychologists, is also transferred by inheritance. The entire experience of pain, suffering accumulated in the unconscious field of the family is presented in the fantasies of modern women about the birth of children: in painful cries, terrible sweeps or irreparable consequences of childbirth. And despite the fact that now on guard of health Mom and the future child, the whole experience of medicine, a variety of auxiliary drugs, as well as the overall relationship of society, the availability of various literature, pregnant women - despite everyone to be afraid of women in some irrational feeling Pregnant.
Also widespread "but" about parenthood - "Husband does not want." In the office of the psychologist, it turns out that they actually fear both. The child is also an exam by all existing in pares. And often, so as not to shake the established, but the shaky balance, the pair refuses the birth of children to better times. In yet not married couples, the birth of a child means their connection as men and women for life, at least in the role of parents. And this is exactly unfavorable step, because then it can be found that both will lose with each other to a meeting with a more suitable partner. Or the birth of a child will make chaos in the established cozy world of strong attachment to each other. Perhaps once this intimacy was in demand and needed, but in a pair she is so fragile that all potential threats must be kept at a distance, including the birth of a child. You will think about it, maybe you happened to meet a couple, where the husband and wife are wonderful fellow travelers, their relationship is flawlessly careful, even too, because it is impossible to build a relationship with anyone one of them - the second will be aware of everything. The place for the third is not provided at all, the couple is on the protection of their Mirka. Child in this case is an invader. And his birth will be postponed unconsciously, even if the pair is supposed to seek him. And on the test for pregnancy, only one strip will be bright.
And this is only part of the experiences associated with parent - motherhood and paternity, which can be long about. And in theoretical conversation for yourself, the answers are not found. But to find an unusual perspective, under which you can look at yourself and your attitude to such an inevitable topic, as a choice, whether to become a parent ...
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin