Once, in June 2015, my husband said he wants us to give birth to another child. Tears of happiness flowed on my cheeks. Our two children came to us "ourselves", when they chose. And here - the opportunity to get another experience and fulfill your dream - to become a mom for another child.
I was happy to hear it. It was such a very female feeling of happiness, confidence in his man, in the fact that he shares his responsibility for this decision and desire.
And I really wanted to invite our family a soul of another child. For all "rules". Based on a large amount of knowledge that I received in previous years, while I studied psychology, spirituality, I was looking for myself, my destination and implementation is about the path of the soul, about the conscious conception, about pregnancy, passing all the stages of birth, about informed maternity.
It was a very new state, before I am not familiar. The state of some kind of deep trust in what is happening. Trust the paths I go. It was an abundance state - the trust of the fact that I have enough resources in me, and the world cares about me. It seems to me that for the first time in my life I decided to be in an absolutely agreed state. When there was no doubt that I was there. None level.
So in my life, the son of Egor appeared and began to grow inside me.
He was amazingly influenced me. I stopped eat meat, because it stopped being delicious food for me. I refused industrial sweets - they stopped bringing me joy. I began to listen to classical music that never loved before. We laughed that Egorkin soul - from Tibet flew, such calm came from the inside. And so he influenced me and, of course, for the whole of our family.
We all really waited for this baby.
Just for some reason I have not drawn pictures after his birth.
I could not imagine how he lies next, and we play with children. How we walk together. How to spend time. It scarecrowed me a little. And I calmed myself by the fact that everything will be in due time.
"We all really waited for this baby. Just for some reason I have not drawn pictures after his birth. "
Photo: Personal archive Alexandra Fechina
All pregnancy I felt good.
And only until the latter pulled the moment of buying things for the kid. I didn't want to buy them so much. And only the head spoke - it is necessary, and it will be born and do not have time to prepare.
Two weeks before birth, I got out and bought a few sliders, a blanket, diapers. Girlfriend brought a crib with a mattress and feeding chair.
And now the long-awaited day came. This day was surprisingly coincided with the day of the death of my beloved grandmother. Grandma was the only man before meeting with her husband who loved me unconditionally. Just for what I am. I do not need to learn well for your love, behave correctly, follow the rules.
Grandma died exactly 5 years before that day. Until April 5, 2016.
When the water moved away, I was very happy that our son would be born that day. A day when one guide was gone for me, another will come.
I did not know that four hours later my son would die in childbirth from hypoxia.
Egor died. Exactly that day and at that time, when my grandmother died 5 years ago, my dear Love Teacher.
We were shocked.
My husband and I could not sleep for three days. Then began to come milk.
All my body asked the child. Hands wanted to keep it and hugging, breasts - feed. I am love.
All my world collapsed in those days.
Before that, I believed that if you live "right," to live consciously, to be implemented, to appreciate, love, create - then it will protect me from grief, illness, losses, misfortune. I believed that problems and misfortunes come to those who are deaf. To those who do not understand otherwise. Therefore, the fact that I was so intensely studied, developed, I was looking for, I changed, I had to become a "vaccination" from everything "bad", which happens in life. And here it turned out that this system does not work. That there is no guarantee. And no one gave it to me and will not give it. That I am powerless and I do not decide. And there is no protection from it.
A week later, we buried the Son.
For a happy accident, with us in touch with us from the second day one of the few specialists in the psychology of perinatal loss.
She helped us very much. Answered all questions, told how to act in formal matters - starting from the certificate of death and ending in the cemetery. She had answers to all our questions, she shared her experience that I was very supported by me and my husband. Because the feeling was what happened only with us, and it is not clear what to do, where to turn how to be. The feeling seem to be crazy.
During the next month, we learned from several people familiar to us the history of their loss of children: born, in childbirth, not born (dead inside mom).
It turned out that such a story is in many families, only in our society it is not customary to talk about it, and it's scary.
Here are parents and silent. And worry alone, as they can. Support for these people at that time was very valuable and the way to us. Each participation, every inequance word, each empathy has responded with great gratitude in the heart.
My body was poorly restored after the birth of Egor. I cried a lot. And he did not do anything but that. I had no desires or forces. All that I did before, now seemed meaningless to me. And at some point I realized that I needed to do the restoration of the body. After all, I want another child. And I have a husband and children, next to which I want to be healthy. So I decided to go for a week trip for the occupation of the healing and spiritual practice - qigong.
After the loss of the Son Alexander decided to go for a weekly trip for the occupation of the healing and spiritual practice - qigong
Photo: Personal archive Alexandra Fechina
After that trip, I went to the ultrasound, and doctors could not believe that such changes are possible for the better. My body was restored before my eyes.
The biggest trap for me was the feeling of guilt. As I learned later, the feeling of guilt is a trap for most parents, whose something went wrong, and the child did not become. I found as many points in which I was to blame for: if you had taken another decision, I chose another doctor, I didn't quarreled with my mother, I went to give birth through Cesarean and many others, then everything could be different, and my son would be alive.
Feeling guilt corrosive like rust. And if you allow him to spread and grow, and live inside yourself, then you yourself become wither.
Not for this, I passed through the experience of the loss of the Son, not for this he lived inside me nine months so that I slowly died, I decided.
And attracted specialists, friends, acquaintances, asked them to help me - I realized that I want to live. Let him still do not know how to do it.
Gradually, an amazing transformation occurred inside me,
The body began to gain the unknown earlier sensitivity - each cell of the body I felt touching it. In the morning, when I opened my eyes, tears flowed on the cheeks from the beauty I saw, looking at the sky and the sun. I raised my hand and wondered by this miracle what I can move her. I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful woman (before I never considered myself a beautiful person).
I went out on the street, and every person as shone from the inside, in someone else there was more, in someone - less. And even those people - in the market or taxi drivers - which I did not respember before and thought below my rank, in consistency, these people have found an invisible volume. I looked into my eyes and saw infinity and love. Turning to each person in his household life, I saw and appealed to his inner beauty, a source, love that was separated from him. I stopped evaluating people in their appearance - body, clothes, races, hairstyles, well-maintained. And amazingly in response, I received love, care, attention. Not a single rude word, gesture, manifestations.
As if the whole world was love. Love flowed through me. And the love flowed to me through other people.
In parallel to my internal transformation, I understood that it was no longer want to deal in life in life. I don't want anything else. It began to seem meaningless, narrow.
"I feel myself a happy man. I live every day as I would like to live, "Alexander admits
Photo: Personal archive Alexandra Fechina
Selecting from that hell, in which I got, and seeing that there is no sufficient information about how to help myself after the child's loss, I realized that I want to help other parents get out of this hell, from this pain that destroys all . And inside itself I felt the strength to do this.
I realized that if I feel in myself the strength to help other people on this earth less suffering, I will do it.
Because the boundaries are now missing for me. Borders in terms of restrictions. I began to see the world under the angle, where everything you can. Where I can ask for the help of any person. Where God, the whole universe helps me, and I myself spend her love for other people.
Where every person - spends love through himself. Where there are no ranks, where there is communication at the level of shower.
In those families in which I lost my son, I would like to give birth to a new one - a free, relaxed, loving and valued every moment of this life as an expensive gift.
So there was a charity fund of assisting parents in a difficult life situation "Light in Hands". To date, this is the only organization providing free information and psychological support to parents and members of their family after perinatal loss.
I feel myself a happy man. I live every day as I would like to live. I ceased to postpone the moments, meetings, fulfill my desires for me. For me, it was very expensive to communicate with those I love, with those who love me, with those who need my help.