It all starts at all equally - assurances in eternal love, wedding, the birth of children, happiness. And then suddenly it turns out that your second half is as happy with another person, just also swars in love, give birth to children. And here before deceived and deceived the question arises: how to live on? Usually, women get up before such a choice, because by virtue of the domestic reasons (small children in their arms, house, economy) are more often deceived. But to get away from the wrong husband is not so simple: there is no place for anything.
Julia, 40 years:
- I live in a small provincial town. Married for 15 years. Two years ago I learned that my husband had a young mistress. It all began with them, as it turned out, 5 years ago. We then only born the second daughter. The baby was badly sick, and I all the strength and time gave her and senior. The husband came home, as a visit: it will come, change clothes and sleep, or back to work. It happened, even the door will stand and leaves. The relationship, of course, began to deteriorate: I waited for attention and caress, and he will come, falls and falls asleep. I, naive, even then did not understand what he chews. So holy believed in it, even in the head did not fit that he could betray! The most offensive thing is that I was all these years his reliable rear and from the simple precinct he now became a general, and I donated to many for my family and almost all the time I lived alone with the children, my husband was always "at work ... say that I survived, learning About treason, impossible! Husband, I think I was not going to tell anything, but I called it and told everything. Did not tolerate, apparently, destroy our family. These two years have passed in solid scandals. He could not choose with whom to stay. And I said: "What will the divorce give you? Live and so, are you bad, or what? ".
While our disassembly lasted, the mistress was safely pregnant. The husband rushed home happy: "You wanted a divorce - to get, I'm leaving for her." I warned me: "Just try to leave or have another one! Children to select, never see them! " I know that these are not empty threats - because of its position, it is worth it to him. "Understand, I loved the first time in my life, this happiness fell on me (and what was there between us then?). I will, "says," live with her, and to come to you, to visit children, give money. You go now as sister. " Even her parents said that I would not get married to get out, would ensure that they did not need. I understand that it is necessary to resist, but I'm afraid of him. He is confident in his power and that I can not go anywhere. And I have two daughters, a little just 5 years. How to live on, I can not imagine! How to believe after this to men, he was the most-most for me, if he did, the rest then what? ..
Commented on the psychologist Julia Pemchuzhnikov: "Old Testament is full of stories about polygamy. Starting with Sarah and Agar, women suffered, sharing one man. That is, you can say, the problem is old as the world. But it hurts no less. Why? Perhaps because a long time ago, patriarchal culture won in the struggle, and women accepted the dependent position. Even when it is not dependent materially, the emotional, psychological dependence on his man remains.
Once in the role described above, the woman is tormented by questions "why", "For what", "as he could,", etc., while a man suffers only to a question where to live and how to get better. And from the point of view of comfort, physical and emotional, in most cases chooses the old, familiar home and family, if only the wife herself widespread him. Malders are more likely to be in an emotionally advantageous position, because less dependent, they have less expectations, and therefore disappointments. Although not always.
Men most often live where they are comfortable. Moreover, comfort is for them and the usual location of the toothbrush in the bathroom, and silence in the house, and interest in your own person, and the feeling of the breadwinner and sexual strength. One woman is quite difficult to combine everything or guess the change of needs. Women often elect 2-3 important areas in relationships (for example, a "reliable rear" or "good mother"), apart from this, after all, children require emotional costs, and still have their own development. Long family life is a great collaboration.
But here your partner found for myself first a part-time job on the side, and then announces the exit from the project or about combining. Try to decide whether you are ready to continue. And the rest of the questions is better to solve with a psychologist. "
"She has my husband"
There are also other stories when people do not just unwind this vicious love triangle, but just do not want. They seem to see how to live threesome.
Maria, 30 years old:
- My cousin has two families. For many years. For the first few years, the wife did not know about anything. When everything was revealed, they had creepy scandals. He went to the other, then again returned home. And so about 2-3 years. Meanwhile, there was already two children from each of the women. Ultimately, he stayed with his wife. But his mistress rearranged his neighbor house. And she often happens. Provides completely two families. Moreover, they are all together on birthdays and family holidays. Children friends friends with each other, their wives are also talking normally. His mother first was just shock. She even suffered a heart attack against the background of the Son. But now - nothing. Also, it seems like they took their lifestyle. With grandchildren nurse, everyone loves. Says: "Well, what now to do if normal men are missing for everyone?
Similar stories are filled and female Internet forums. Here is one of them: "That someone has some kind of husband, I guessed a long time ago. Why didn't I gone? Do I have no self-esteem if I let me contact me? Why did I generally allowed such a family? All these and other questions, believe me, I set yourself more than once. I could not leave. I love him too and rushing to our family. And he did not want to leave. He said that he was very valuable by me, respects and loves ... as a friend and a loved one in the spirit of man. And he loves her as a woman, and he can't leave her either. We are married for almost 14 years. From the side of the perfect couple. Son grows. In the house wealth ... Honestly, I thought he would beat and calm down. And it still hoped very much that she could not call her), I can't call her), a young fool, which is looking for a certain material benefit, will not suffer and put him a condition, or he will understand that all this game kills me ...
We never swear with him, did not find out the relationship. During this year, I learned to live with thoughts that he has another. How? This is a separate story ... But now I recognize that she will have a child from my husband ... I honestly do not know how to live on. And no one advises anything, it is necessary to make decisions to itself. Wait until the husband is formed or quit in the end? Or do some steps first? When his child is born from his beloved woman, no matter how hard it is to speak, it will be all there - and soul, and body. He will start a new life, and the whole point will be in a new family.
Commented on the psychologist Julia Pemchuzhnikov: "When a woman is trying to figure out this situation, she usually looks like a fish (albeit the golden), fighting on a hook or confused on the network. Some manages to jump out and "lick the wounds", but more often the situation is tormented for a long time, and injuries remain. This is because we focus on a man as at the center of the situation. As one client told me: "Everyone would give, just to know what he had in his head." I'm afraid she would be very surprised and, maybe even disappointed. A woman puts into any family situation, and especially such, significantly more mental energy. Looking for both reasons and options, and explanations ... and everything for him. When I see such a flow of emotions, thinking, searching, I'm trying to imagine what it would be if this woman had spent so many soul forces on himself, his development. At least wondering: not because I get such a lesson from life that "gave everything", "was everyone" and received pleasure from it, now it is necessary to learn something else. "
"I knew what I went to"
Do not, however, think that women in these situations behave better than men. After all, they become this very second wife without any reprints.
Irina, 29 years old:
- I am a mistress for three years. A year ago, gave birth to her daughter. He loves his wife and children to disgrace and never went out of the family. However, our connection does not intend to break. The child I gave birth exclusively for myself, as he immediately warned that against. It does not even communicate with her daughter. From the hospital did not arrive - sent a driver, a bouquet and 1000 euros. I'm not offended at him - I knew what was going on. By and large, everything suits me - helps, provides, leads to restaurants. And I do not have to erase his socks and stroke pants. Let this be the official wife. But she has more rights, and she may not worry that he will leave her with anything. From me, if you leave, I have nothing to prevent me. That's how I live on your own risk.
True, it is worth noting that finding a woman living in two families is almost impossible. Although some of them contain lovers. One wealthy lady justifies his act like this: "There is no no feelings for her husband. But we have a common business and two children. We both understand that it will be difficult for us to part, even with a purely legal side. Has he guess what someone has me? I think yes. I am sure, and he is also not alone. "
At the same time, the male logic of Dwajev citizens deserves special attention: "I love two. I can afford it and emotionally, and physically, and financially. And why everyone suffers - I do not understand? I do not throw my wife - she has two children who need it? So many years have lived. In the mistress, in general, the soul is not tea. And to the son of our general and is also related as well as to legal children. I dream to build a big house so that we live together. "
Commented on the psychologist Julia Pemchuzhnikov: "My dear people. It is time for us to finally understand with the concept of love. Do not confuse her with passion and passionism, not to be confused with care and the more addiction. Love - necessarily includes adoption, development, tenderness and joy. It is very important and necessary for everyone and the planet as a whole. Family life is a social phenomenon when people love each other, they usually want to be all the time near, and they create a family. Here and the incident. Joint Life and Family are different things. Family is a genus, common values, support, development in society. Does the man often ready to duplicate it? So deal.
What about children? It has repeatedly verified that regular scandals and nerve parents are much worse for a child than a divorce that allows you to establish calm civilized relationship after a while. The child is not important not that dad sleep in one bedroom with mom, and so that both were happy and loved it. The dad is generally important (but optionally frequent) contact and attention that they often have more actively, being "Sunday", and not "constant."