Exists 2 polarity:
The most common is Hyperopka Parents . The child has not yet time to experiment, find out the world around, and it is already reflux from all sides: "Throw the Bolyak! It's dangerous ... Do not be afraid ... so good kids do not come, you do not want to upset mom? " etc. Parents and mother, in particular, surround the child with such a concern that it is sometimes difficult for him to determine what he himself wants. Such an approach suppresses the initiative to the root, makes a child dependent and infantile. And when he is growing up, he feels on his soul a cargo of non-payment debt: Mom has invested so much in him, I gave the best years. Therefore, with zeal, which is only capable, begins to give this debt. You can meet daughters for 30, who refuse to be in entertainment and trips with friends for the weekend to take mom to the country, or speak for hours daily by phone, so that mom is not bored and lonely. They give birth to their children and give mothers to brighten their meaningless weekdays and help again gain the need for someone. Among women and men is a common position. Mom was and remains the figure number one. She and friend, and mom, and partner in life, and everything in the world. Many children of parents who have grown in the hypertension are not solved to start their own families. In order for mom to disappoint your attempts to build a personal life, and always be free for your parents. Other families can create their own families, but they constantly live in anxiety, all the time per check. Slightly, they are ready to quit all things and catching up to parents to help them, even when they can do nothing with their fading health.
The second option is families where children rose like outsiders . Parents were busy, their own problems. This is often in families with alcoholism of parents, drug addiction, severe physical or mental illnesses, violence. Sometimes it happens when parents change each other. Children move into the background against the background of their difficulties and survival strategies. Therefore, such children grow with a deficit of love, reliability, recognition. They are attached in their own way to their parents, and mothers especially. All adult life, they seek to prove that they are worth this love: make careers with sevenmal steps, achieve heights in creativity, science, profession, etc. But their internal compass is always aimed at receiving and compensation for the very simple, unky love, which in Childhood lacked. Thus, both men and women do not actually have dedication to their adult life. They are also tied to mothers in particular, also try to be necessary and significant by sacrificing with their own separate life.
Process separation with parents and mom, in particular, - This is the most important stage of the formation of a person with his will, initiative. If he is not traveled, then the path of man in life will be very burdened by the need to like mom or seek her love. And - what is the most hidden - in such cases it is constantly angry with her. In the ancient tribes there are rituals initiating, dedication of children in adulthood. When parents let go of the child to go their own way, recognizing his right to mistakes, difficulties, separately from them. At the same time as parents, they serve him with support and support. There are no similar rituals in the modern world. The mother is uncomfortable in the personal space of adult daughters and sons. They allow it to be angry, masking their anger care. And continue to hurt each other.
If you find yourself in one of these roles - a long-growing child or a mother who does not let go of his overripe child in an independent life, it's time to give the case.
It's time to send efforts not to fight with each other, but for genuine values and projects that are no longer enough to drengle. Filling the life with their personal meaning, the need for proof or receipt of love immediately in the form you needs subsides by itself.
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin