The idea of becoming a child to report that he is not a blood, torments many adoptive parents. One of the main fears - he will hear from mom and dad, which is not native, and it will be injured for him. Do I need to hide the adoption secrets? If we tell the truth, how?
It is impossible to be silent
Why do adoption stories often silent? Because there is an unfair negative pattern. That he was "threw, then he doesn't need anyone." That he is "out of a bad family, and therefore himself bad, spoiled." How hurts hurts such words spoken by "good people"! What terrible people can be consequences!
I always go on ahead. And this is my main advice.
I am here to protect them.
I am here to keep the most important thing that we have after love - unconditional trust.
I am here so that they know that a strong rear is behind them.
I am here to know that you are loved and desired.
I'm here to talk. To tell the truth.
This complex conversation can be built, relying on the following principles that I allocated for myself in the process of communication with my children.
Valentina Krasnikova is a mother of 17 children, 14 of which reception
1. Tell us about your meeting, as about the most positive event
Get rid a child from a philistine look at the adoptive children, as about kids with a challenging destiny. Let him feel what incredible happiness and luck that you met him. As waited, I was looking for and found. It will be important for him to hear about how you loved him when we saw for the first time. That the baby really does not reject someone, but, on the contrary, he is the most long-awaited for you. One day the time comes when the child understands that the photos where he is a baby, no. That the surname and patronymic of others. The question "How did I come from?" It will appear in conversations increasingly. At this point I tell the child his story with the most gentle words that I know. I say something like this: "Daughter, remember, I told you? We found you when you were already in-from so big, and only then I became your mom! I love you very much and never give you anyone! You are my child!" I repeat this story many times so that everyone, especially the kids, could feel the feature of the moment. They often forget, so I repeat our stories again and again, putting all my love in them.
Another example of a positive history tells my student: "Fucking older daughter in infancy. Now she is almost 4 years old. Do not intend to hide my husband. Often we go on doctors, respectively, questions of genetics and pregnancy with childbirth in her hearing. Close her ears and wanderlessly. Born the younger brother. There was a reason for the conversation where children are taken from. It began to ask about the tummy and so on. Then I gently, gently, with love explained that there is no, she is not from my tummy, but from the tummy another aunt. And she opened her other secret, "But I also didn't give birth to Papu, but we love him with you. You see, not necessarily give birth to someone to love! And my dad I wanted so that we had exactly you, the most wonderful girl, we love you very much! "While this information is enough, but I know that she will ask again and again. We are internally ready. Talked with grandparents about what and how to say when the daughter starts to ask them. "
The main thing is to be internally calm and sure. Ready, not covered by surprise. Create your positive family story about the meeting in advance and repeat it to children again and again.
2. Open on biological parents
Sooner or later, the child will definitely ask about its biological parents. Of course, you will first find it difficult to take interest in these people and why there are no them next. If the child fell into the family already in the conscious age, he remembers everything well. Often he needs to speak out, get rid of the accumulated pain and fear inside. The main thing is not to interfere with him to say not to prohibit. At this point, he really needs your support, including to convince that this is not his fault that life has happened. It is very important for me to convey to every child - genetic doom do not exist, these are all words. Everyone has a choice! We found each other, we together, and therefore with you nothing bad will happen, despite everything that was "before." When a child grows, he will still want to find out, compare, take your own solution. But if you have everything really, if you trusted each other if you loved in fact, it will not have any meaning in your relationship with him.
"It is very important for me to convey to each child - there is no genetic doom."
3. Each - unique
Even if the child learned about adoption from you, often this information becomes a blow to his self-esteem. It is very important to constantly emphasize the attention of the child on the fact that he brought something special into the family. With him, parents and the whole family became richer, more interesting and smarter. Everything is important to understand what it is unique, why I love and what is exactly where you need - in your family. You are great telling funny stories, Andryusha draws well, Natasha is best able to console all! It is important to know each of the children what kind of unique talent he has. And it is important to hear confirmation from these parents. Again and again.
The secret of adoption or adoption in society is practically impossible.
The most terrible mistake we can admit at the time how the child will find out the truth not from us - it will give rise to the slightest doubt in his soul that parents lie to him. And then the child and the present shock and shock, and the parents are a strong insult and distrust on his side for life. Loneliness and sense of betrayal. Questions why did you silent if there is nothing bad in adoption?
Dear parents, be prepared for the fact that the reaction to the news of adoption can be unpredictable. But, undoubtedly, the truth, said the most kind and gentle words from the loving maternal heart, will be much easier to survive than the reaction to the deception of the closest, I assure you. And once, being an adult, your child will say: "Mom and dad, thanks for being honest. Thank you for what you did for me. I love you!"