Shame - how ... little in this sound! It seems that this feeling has not been about us for a long time, adults who are confident who know about themselves if not all, very much. It seems that he stayed somewhere in distant childhood as a kind of mythical experience, which does not rule over our reality. Or still owes?
Some of us did not hear the phrases: "Well, how are you not ashamed"?, Uttered, in general, according to anyone's parents or grandmothers, educators and teachers! Together with these words, alarmer came to us, vague or obvious, fear and light panic. They were connected with elementary confusion: ashamed - is it like? What should I do now to feel how to fix what I did? This confusion appeared because the sense of shame is unfamiliar for the child, it is not born with him, does not have an organic if it can be expressed, origin. Imagine: you just live, do something that you want, and suddenly you will hang someone meaningful, big and terrible and with anger, disappointment and perseverance suggests. A frightening picture, right? But if all that is associated with shame is so unpleasant (see how many negative painted words we used in this small paragraph!) Why is it generally needed, this unknown and unfamiliar shame?
Initially, the shame served as the good goal: to restrain our low-lying gusts, to educate the personality in us
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Without witnesses
Shame - acknowledged feeling. It cannot be said that very many researchers were engaged in questions related to shame, very many researchers, from Aristotle to Darwin, Freud and Fromma. In all the variety of theories and hypothesis, there is one that has already moved into the discharge axiom: today we know exactly what shame is the introduced feeling that we are experiencing exclusively with witnesses. Along with me we can feel guilty, anxiety or sadness, but it will be ashamed only in society. Moreover, it is society - first in the face of moms and dads, then, as they grow up, and other adults are connected - "hangs" shame.
Usually, this feeling is formed in children by five years, and, as we have already written, first of all, it is associated with the body and its manifestations. By the way, many notice that shame, in contrast to the guilt, is felt just at the bodily level - it is much more physical experience than other feelings. Blood stuck to our cheeks, she knocks in the temples - and here we are already red to the roots of the hair, ready to fall through the ground. Intense, painful, rich experience for the first time experiencing in the pre-school period. Children begin to realize their gender, already know about the differences of girls and boys, see how parents hide the nudity, retaining in the bathroom. They read this behavior, comprehending that for some reason it is important to hide parts of your body, not to put them on everyone's review. This is a very important period in which moms and dads often "break" the psyche of children, tabby their natural interest in the intimate sphere. The results may be sad: those who were actively shaped as a child for learning themselves, often have different problems in the sexual sphere, from the inability to enjoy to serious sexual disorders and deviations. I had a friend who sincerely believed that intimate proximity is the act dirty and bad, and the married duty perceived precisely as a debt, a certain service. Moreover: he could not pass medical examinations, shone to the ears when someone dared to let go of jokes "below the belt". It is necessary to say that his relationship with his women was very sad and ended with predictable. When a familiar finally decided to turn to a specialist, it turned out interesting details: it turns out that any questions "about it", Mom and Grandma have been prohibited in the family, they followed the purity of the morals and strictly punished the boy if he violated the rules of the family.
So how to be? Is it really a small shameless man (and before a certain age all children are such and there are no boundaries and prohibitions? You can and need, but it is gently, carefully and without condemnation. By five to six years, your siblos must already have some kind of territory, a safe space for yourself - and you need to explain that there is no shame alone with you, nor fear, but appearing in society, do not commit some actions, Since they are inappropriate.
Covering mechanism
So...
1. Wines. She often goes hand in hand with shame, and we are not able to distinguish one of the other. But this is important. Sign of guilt - she does not leave you alone with him, while shame is a public feeling.
2. Fear. Another close relative is shame. We are afraid to disgrace, we are afraid that we will be caught on something shameful, we are afraid to experience constraints and embarrassment. All this is related to the horror of rejection and fear that we, such as we are, rejected.
3. Satisfaction. Surprisingly, some have a feeling of deep pleasure when they are experiencing shame. Psychologists call it a deviation, and people seeking to be ashamed include individuals with deviant behavior.
But if everything was so easy! Have you noticed that different people are ashamed for different things? All because our such different parents broadcast us their views. So, in my childhood, I was completely unattended my body, but loudly laughed, and in general it was not necessary to express joy and openly in our family was not accepted. "Are you not ashamed to laugh so much?" - I intensified me. At first it was not very clear what the elders are achieved, but gradually I began to realize that it turns out to "laugh" in society is unacceptable and it is forbidden that it is simply sakes, and the one who behaves "as a horse", covers itself and His native eternal shame. But my girlfriend is ashamed to be angry and angry - her grandmother constantly shaped the girl for inflates the sponge, puts his legs and shouts. Soberly a girlfriend literally destroyed morally for negative emotions (which are experiencing each of us!). As a result, in adulthood, she cannot fight back neither close, nor a stranger, burning with shame when righteous anger rises. Recently, her colleague attributed her award - I would have splashed the whole negative on the place of a girlfriend (and who would not?). But she was only given by tears, and then a few months (!) It was a shame for several months, because inside she was boiling rage.
Originally, the shame served as the good goal: to restrain our low-lying gusts, to educate the person in us. So, research says that a child with atrophied shortness is intensified in development. Natural defendant in us is the key to the fact that we will try to follow moral standards and installations. The keyword here is "natural", but, alas, a list of what is forbidden (not because it is dangerous or really unacceptable by the majority) may be arbitrarily long and bizarre. These quirks, then we carry into a conscious age, suffering from strange taboos that have once needed our parents to control us in our continued manifestations. Well, the truth is how immorally "laughing" or angry? The manifestation of children's emotions simply cannot be assessed from the point of view of morality. We can not like these manifestations - in this case, the task is to teach the younger generation to express ourselves "eco-friendly", that is, an acceptable and safe way. When the baby beats the mother, you can appeal to the shame and conscience, and also offer him instead of fighting to sink with my feet or beat the pillow, shook. But constantly "sticking" the child for anger, one of the basic emotions, which you just need to learn to live, do not.
The most common point, for which modern women shake, still remain their status
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In the desire to ideal
In addition to parents who contribute to the formation of our unnatural, hypertrophydedness, we are subject to the background influence of society in which certain norms act. The strongest stands: the one who knows himself is faithful to his habits and stood, managed to find out what brings joy, learned to say "no" without a branch of conscience. The rest - and they, that is us, alas, the absolute majority - waiting for the race for social approval. What you will not do to avoid the feeling of shame, because it really delivers physical and mental discomfort.
The most common point for which modern women shake is still their status. Divorced, without children, without partner? Apparently, something is wrong with you. For myself, it is ashamed to live, enjoy my choice and loneliness - what nonsense? And even if you decide the "problem", coming out married and giving birth to a couple of children, you are not protected from all-seeing public eye. Now ashamed to be not an ideal wife and mother. "Did you feed the baby with Macarona?" - Surprised straightening eyebrows, I asked me a recent one friend. Then followed the story about what a real parental should be (and what I'm not real?) And what kind of injury to my son I nano, offering him to dinner pasta. In this exclamation, I immediately heard disappointed Mamino "how you are not ashamed!". And I immediately became ashamed, though, for a while: I quickly took myself in my hands, I remembered that I am an adult, I can figure out when you have a shame.
Men has their own pain. We have already written about how boys from childhood is imposed on the idea that tears for a man - a real disgrace. In addition to the fact that the gentlemen are forbidden to cry, they can not be slable and earn less women. And if your partner was not ready for proximity (it doesn't matter, for what reason - was it tired, Handrite Lee got sick) - everything, you can probably say that in the near future he just eating himself alive, constantly experiencing this moment.
Education, interests, horizons - much more without snobbing statements: if you did not read Plato and Hegel, you can not be considered a real person? I chose a working profession, I decided not to chase as a higher education - it means a stupid and short-sighted person without ambitions. I chose the career to raise children - it just is not capable of anything, so it ran away into motherhood. Very love to add and for the appearance. In modern slang, the term Sheyming even appeared (from the English verb to Shame - literally "shame"). Too thick, too bright or, on the contrary, inconspicuous, wear short skirts, you do not wear skirts in general, we are painted in pink, do not go to the hairdresser ... a person who pursues the requirements of the public to look like this very public you need, can bring yourself to nervous exhaustion .
Sheyming denies us and our manifestations, makes us unwanted, not reaching a high plank established by society. For a long time I tried to look like others saw me. Mom really wanted me to carry dresses and was feminine. One of the beloved saw an exemplary housewife in me, another wanted me to be politically active. Every time I did not justify someone's expectations, I was shaped - for not reading some kind of work, for not knowing how to cook dinner of three dishes, what tried under the boy ... at some time I had forces To mentally send all those who are trying to make me do something in their understanding, in a long and fascinating journey.
Most often we experience negative emotions, we feel the inappropriateness of themselves, our appearance, not because they do something unacceptable, but due to the fact that they do not meet the expectations of someone. It is important to realize what is happening, and to separate the grains from the challenge. Without self-digging, and sometimes the help of specialists, do not do. The good news is that the result of your work on yourself will be a feeling of freedom and power. After you reset the false shame shackle, the endless world of capabilities and experiments will open.
Do not try to be comfortable to everyone
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Shame on you…
... to make a little. Society dictates us: the more money, the more you are. Wake up, it's not like that! Material well-being is only a tool, and ashamed that your salary is lower than that of friends - imposed behavior. Try to siege the surroundings that will try to shame you, a simple question: "Why should I be ashamed?"
... do not strive to lose weight. We are not talking about cases when a person suffers obesity - then his physical condition directly affects health. But if we are talking about a pair of "extra" kilograms, you can safely refer to the advisers to do yourself, but not by you.
... Prefer certain types of sex. If your friends and loved ones are trying to bring into your intimate life, remind them that no one is in your bed in your bed. Naturally, we are speaking exclusively about what is allowed by law!
... do not read / watch / visit courses on self-development. Want to do all this? Do yourself, but not advise others!
Return yourself
Differently adequate as a painful feeling of false shame. Despite our difference, in the world at the moment there are general ideas about the good and evil, about justice, mercy and decency. If you clearly go out of these frames and crossed the line, the feeling of shame is natural and necessary. In other cases, you are most likely drawn into false experiences.
If you are shaped close, react gently, but confidently. Ask someone who is trying to read you or make embarrassing, why should it happen? Separate yourself from a loved one, spend the so-called separation: "Listen, mom (dad, brother, loved one), I am me, and I do not commit any crime, I don't do anything immoral or criminal, I do not seduce anyone to do so. I understand that you may not like it, but I can do nothing for you. "
If "Shame!" You are shouting in other people's people, do not confuse to demonstrate aggression and rigidity (remember that aggression is not always rudeness). Let the courage and strength give you an understanding that these inspirations enter your territory and try to break you for themselves. Do not try to be comfortable to everyone!