In our society, it is not customary to talk about death, as if this is something shameful and unnatural. About the paradoxical death of a person who, it seems, not even lived, it seems to remember not at all. But the loss of a unborn child, and on a small period, and during childbirth is a serious psychological trauma that requires attention and careful circulation. Because it is loss. However, even the medical staff in the clinic or maternity hospital is not always ready to provide a woman with the necessary support. Alas, I myself lost the child during childbirth. And I was told literally the following: "Nothing, in a year we will come to us again, even give birth." They said not from cruelty or nonsense, but simply because no one taught that in such cases it is worth talking, but why not. Professional burnout also takes place.
And what to say?
What is experiencing a woman who lost the child? There is such an expression - when parents die, our past goes, and when the child dies the future. Loss of kid is the collapse of the Women's World. The failed mother feels despair, grief, emptying. She had already identified her new status, mother, she predicted her life in new realities, she wanted to justify the hopes of her husband and family, but this new world was destroyed. For the surrounding this symbolic loss, because the environment did not see the object for which you can sign, and she was! And how it will live this grief depends on the support of loved ones and from the tacty of medical staff. The most important thing is to give a woman to survive, to live out emotionally, remembering the four stages of the grief.
1. denial. The task of the first stage of the grief is the adoption of trouble. It is necessary to realize that it happened.
2. Toxian and anger. This is the search for answering questions and guilty. The task is to surround a close man with warmth and attention, save from the committing destructive actions.
3. Disorientation and suffering . The feeling that everything collapsed. There will be no old life, there will be no child, there will be no happiness. And, it would seem that supporting the phrase "You're young, give birth to yourself" causes even greater harm. This phrase is depreciated. The step of suffering needs to be survived, its goal is to find resources for the construction of the future.
4. Reorganization of life.
The duration of each stage separately and the grief can be different in general. It depends on individual mental features, and on the period of pregnancy. We always ask a woman: "It was a pregnancy or was it a child?". If she mourns herself - this is one situation, and if your child is another. Stages have no clear temporary separation. If the loss happened on the period of 2-3 weeks - the mental recovery takes about six months. If this is born baby, the woman saw him, then at least one and a half years.
What do not be done
1. First of all, it is not necessary to ignore the perinatal loss. At first it may seem that the care of reality through psychotropic drugs is the simplest solution. But it will not allow to survive all the stages of grief necessary for the further happy life that will come.
2. Many people think that after the child's loss, you need to get pregnant again and what would be a happy mom. But this does not happen. Because a new child comes in return lost. But each person has its own story, his arrival time in the family. Psychologists are still recommended to withstand the pause between the death of the first baby and the birth of the next one should pass one and a half or two years.
3. To seek to blame. It often happens that in a state of grief, a woman throws all the forces on the search to blame. She can accuse himself: why did you go to relax, why I did not go to rest, and vice versa worked a lot, etc. can blame her husband, a parent, doctors. In fact, this is the second stage - longing and anger. And many loved ones are offended, it is worth noting, quite fair. But it is necessary to understand that it is just a stage of living grief. Give a woman to pass it with minimal losses.
4. Pretend that nothing happened. Culturally, it happened that we cannot accept and understand someone else's pain - it is very scary. But to say the words of sympathy "I'm sorry that it happened," "I sympathize with your misfortune," "How can I help you now?" Or just silently and confidently be near, hugging incredibly important. Use a simple speech style. Truderily and calmly listen, honestly answer questions.
Do not hide their emotions, sincere sympathy, empathy helps to cope with the injury.
The worst thing that can be said in this situation: "Time heals", "God gave, God took," "It's good that he died until you are accustomed."
What to strive for
Maternity is the brightest and therefore the most emotional and deep experience experience in the life of a woman. Loss of a child for a couple means that their relationship could not reach a new level of development, it is also not easy to accept. Remember this, when next time you will be interested in why people are childless. With the usual unbearable or unsuccessful attempts to eco, the pursuit of pregnancy can turn into a race, deprive a couple of pleasures from communicating with each other and sex. At the same time, self-esteem falls greatly - why one it turns out, and we do not have, "the couple is perplexed? But today specialists appeared who teach obstetrician-gynecologists to provide psychological support in childbirth, including during their tragic outcome. It is important to fight with professional burnout of frames, and it is interesting, this is noticeable only from the side, the person himself cannot understand that he burned out, since the burnout is associated with the development of the person.
A special topic is a male grief. So the man should not cry, but this does not mean that he does not wash his emotions and does not suffer. Therefore, men in pairs who have undergone perinatal loss often leave their heads to work, emotionally separated from his wife. And to talk, it is necessary to talk about your experiences.
How to let and let go
It is necessary to allow every child to be in this life. For something he came, even if he was not born or live only a few hours. It is very important to say to him: Yes, you were in my life, I remember you.
There are rituals of "release", they work well when a woman is already overwritten. You can make a box where to put an item that is associated with pregnancy - it may be ultrasound or HGG analysis. You can plant a tree in the yard, make a plane and run into the sky. One woman with whom we worked, found a star in the sky and said that this is her son. The female psyche is satisfied with flexible and with time herself can configure itself to further life. And in the soul there is a shelf and for the failed motherhood.