In many ways, there is a problem in doubt in the feelings of each other. For example, you decided to spend the evening with girlfriends, leaving a man at home. You did not even notice how time passed through the conversations and how long you were missing until they got an evil message from your partner with a question where you were. And, returning home after midnight, found him still not sleeping and nervously looking into your direction.
Interesting research
Some time ago, scientists in the area of relations came to the conclusion that adults who are difficult to feel safe were such because of the problems at an early age, when their guardians (usually parents) could not satisfy their main emotional needs. According to the concept of attachment styles, adults continue in relationships with other adults the so-called "internal working models", which are the result of how they cared in infancy. Adults with reliable attachment will be able to withstand a wider spectrum of situations in relations than adults with unreliable attachment, whose alarms are triggered at the slightest hint of apparent disregard from their partners. A new study conducted by Jacomo Chokka and his colleagues from Roman University of Sapienzo (2020) suggests that not only the unsafe style of attachment leads to the fact that partners come out due to control when they are afraid of failure, but also the use of so-called immature protective mechanisms .
Based on psychodynamic theory, the authors note that modern views on protective mechanisms consider them as a reaction to "stressful or threatening mental ideas and feelings that otherwise could cause psychological stress, protecting a person from mental suffering and changed perception of themselves." From this point of view, the unsafe style of affection can only be partially the reason for the constant need of your partner in confidence.
Difference and nervousness roots go to childhood
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Protective mechanisms of attachment
The categories of protective mechanisms within this approach vary from "immature", which include "distortion of reality", to "mature", which "allow you to consciously perceive" potentially dangerous feelings and experiences. According to Italian authors, partners who are too sharply reacting to what they are thrown, only aggravate the situation when they are so overwhelmed with fear that they cannot even recognize the reality of what happens to them. Thus, a combination of an unreliable style of attachment and immature protective mechanisms can lead to the fact that your partner is rented and upset when it felt that you lack "support".
As a study passed
Checking this approach, Chokka and his colleagues tested a statistical model on the data taken from the sample of 1129 college students living in Italy and Albania using the criteria for the style of attachment, protective mechanisms and, as a result, psychological stress. The age of the participants was from 18 to 49, but on average, 22 years, and most (65%) were women. The measure of attachment style gave an assessment of how participants were reliably tied, frightened (feared intimacy), concerned (afraid to be abandoned) or were negligible (they did not want to be attached). As the authors predicted, people who received high points or for concern, or for the frightening style of attachment, is indeed more likely to report a high level of the distress.
People with an unprotected style of attachment are not sure not only in relationships, but also in their own sense of identity. They are trying to keep themselves from recognizing this feeling of weakness, resorting to one of several immature protective mechanisms, but it only aggravates the situation. Instead of recognizing and take your problems, they are desperately trying to hide them.
How then can you use research results to help your partner better control your emotions?
1. Recognize the source of the insecurity of your partner. No one wants to have an unreliable attachment style. If your partner seems overly needing attention, this is not related to his personal choice.
2. Support a sense of the uniqueness of the identity of your partner. And you, and your partner can win from the recognition of the strong and positive sides of each other.
3. Be patient and support. Again, your partner does not want to be so. It is easy to get angry and defended, so try to keep calm.
4. Help the partner pave the way to more mature protective mechanisms. Recall that humor is one of the most mature protective mechanisms. Although it may seem that it only infuses fire, perhaps at a more calm moment you can agree with your partner about the ways to discharge the situation with a smile or joke.
Your partner can defeat its emotional instability.
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5. Use situations that have aggravated in the past, as a way to prepare for the future. Again, as soon as the situation becomes more calm, return (without charges) to the memories, as everything developed in a similar situation to find out how to stop the output of similar problems from under control.
6. Find ways to cope with your own experiences. It's a tremendous to face the unfortunate of a loved one. You still want to see friends alone even with a nervous partner. If you set the basic rules of the relationship in advance, your favorite will be able to accept such events when you want to be without it, with greater calmness.
Summing up, it can be said that the availability of a partner who easily comes to rage and upset, may complicate everyday life to you both. Understanding the speakers underlying the uncertainty of your partner can help you both return from the storm in a full-fledged calm.