The obsessive desire to be perfect is always and in everything, a manic desire for the ideal, dependence on the praise and approval of other people - all this is experiencing one whom with light irony is called "excellent student in life." What is bad to cope with all the affairs with a bang? Is it harmful to prior to the best of the best? And why are those who find himself in the power of a complex of excellent, regularly experiencing anxiety and depressive states?
Excellent syndrome is one of the most famous complexes that mention in the case and without even those who do not know at all in human psychology. At the same time, this complex is perceived as something non-serious, contrived, as a state that does not threaten the quality of life. Such an attitude to psychological problems is generally characteristic of Russian mentality: rarely who admits to himself that he suffers from depression (simply because it is considered to be a public with something like high capriciousness and Handra). What to say about "excellent students", which are doomed to the perfect existence without a chance to receive help. We tried to understand where the extinguishing desire would always "be first", as well as to get out of this state with minimal losses.
- According to psychologists, from the complex of the Executor Women suffer twice as often than men. It is connected with dangerous stereotypes of "good" girls and their "worthy" behavior.
- Fears - Here are the main satellites of life at first, and then a matured excellent student. Fears provoke serious consequences, up to ticks and obsessive-compulsive
Disorders.
- AGEDONIA - This term denotes the inability to enjoy anything - and he is familiar to people with excellent syndrome. Always tense, they live under the motto: "You can not - do not understand", and do not rejoice in experiments.
Children's question
Where do your feet grow from the specialist complex? It is possible to understand this from the very name: Most often we get acquainted with this syndrome in school years, during the time when evaluations are started from everywhere. We are not only about the marks in the diary. At the age of seven years, a person comes into the active phase of socialization and faces ambiguous reactions on itself from the outside. And now he is not only a favorite son and adorable grandson, but also a restless student, a loud neighborhood, an annoying classmate.
This period takes place all children, but why someone leaves him snow, and someone makes a burden of complexes and doubts? The whole thing in the family and reactions of significant adults on changes in the life of the child. If he commits a hooligan and anonymous baby, with which difficult to teachers and teachers, but parents express him love and adoption, regardless of success in socialization, a painful desire for praise him will not capture him. In the future, man will not worry the opinions of people insignificant for him.
Parent, which depends on the estimates of each, important and passing by passing, projects its desire to like his child
Photo: unsplash.com.
But if you "entered into people" and did not like someone, and after this, your parents showed with all their views, as they are upset and disappointed that someone did not please someone - writing. Alas, the excellent card complex is almost always transmitted from the older to the younger generation. A parent, which depends on the estimates of each, important and past passing, projects his desire to like his child (of course unconsciously). And so a little man sees that it is necessary to be "good" (even "excellent"), convenient for the parent, otherwise you do not see any love or caress, solid disappointment.
The desire to please dad and mom can be called natural, but in fact it is not quite so. Natural relations between older and younger relatives are love and adoption, whatever happens, especially in the "external" world. A mentally stable child knows that this feeling, it turns out, it is necessary to earn some special behavior. But the kid who was infected with the complex of the Excellent, desperately needs love (more precisely, its manifestations) and ready to get it.
In order to achieve their own, children have two ways - the path of "good" and "bad" child. "Good" will inherit a neurotic dependence on environmental assessments and will try to be ideal for everyone. "Bad" will act exactly the opposite, trying to attract the attention of hooligan behavior and dangerous leavings. The circle of relationships was closed: in a small adult, excessive desires have already laid all the time to receive praise and approval. In children of such a person, and then the grandchildren, and at the great-grandchildren, the "excellent" complex will manifest themselves almost with one hundred percent probability.
Diary estimates
So, we figured out the roots of the complex. Question arises: Do I need to struggle with this state at all? What is bad to be the one who seeks to ideal?
Let's start with the fact that perfection is a very subjective concept. There is nothing terrible and harmful to the psyche in trying to achieve a high plank, realizing what it means for you. In this case, you will see the goal and strive to achieve it. All comments of people who are watching your becoming, can take or not take note. A third-party assessment for you is only information for reflection, and sometimes an empty sound. The opinion of a person who is not part of the "Middle Circle" will not touch you.
But how is the development of the identity of one who tries to please everyone and everyone, is afraid to become "bad" in the eyes of someone and is trying to become Miss perfection not according to his own assessment? Such people very rarely utter "no", fearing to disappoint the chief, friend, partner, parent. They pay great attention to how they look in the eyes of their surroundings, build their perfect image.
The problem is that this "ideality" pleases only others, but not the "excellent student". He does not know how to understand himself, he does not know and is afraid of his own desires, with difficulty makes decisions. Studies have shown: among "excellent students" there are very few leaders. This is understandable: in order to hold a leading position, it is important to quickly and clearly "make bets", sometimes not worrying about who and what will think about you. "Excellent" is unbearable the idea that someone in this world can be dissatisfied with them. That is why he will rather take the position of a reliable, strong and trouble-free artist.
Very often, "excellent students" have problems with sexuality. And here the reasons also lie on the surface. Intimate life is a sphere that does not tolerate pretenses and masks. For a successful sex life, it is necessary to understand your own desires and the ability to talk about them (even just like saying "no"), without fear of no one to offend.
So, the lives of those who spend their best years in pursuit of "fives" from others, only from the side may seem perfect. In fact, every day of such dependent people is hard work: neither stop or relax. You can exist in this mode, but for a short time: sooner or later there will be psychosomatic disorders, depressed, mania.
Perfection - the concept is very subjective
Photo: unsplash.com.
Holiday disobedience
What if you found a complex of excellent? We are guided by the main rule of any therapy: We work on request. This means that if you have no need for change, and you know your complex for a long time, you don't want to part with him, you don't want to work with him, then there is no need to do something.
It is completely different if the understanding of "so can not live" you overtake you and does not let go, and because of the "excellent" syndrome, mental and physical health deteriorate. Here, you require a methodical and solid approach.
The very first thing, from what you have to abandon the way to recovery, is to cancel estimates. Any. In your address, to relatives and close, familiar and strangers. As we know, excellent students are magnificent performers, so take this feature for yourself. Clearly and carefully "Filter" your speech and mind, throwing out all sorts of estimated judgments from there. As is known, the speech is the bridge between consciousness and reality, so let the words like "good" - "bad", "well done" and so on do not sound in your lips.
We remember that people with excellent syndrome are addicted to praise, it means that it is important to receive this praise, but not from others, but ... from yourself! There is also an insolent rule: select yourself compliments that do not contain estimates. Be sure to write them down in a difficult moment to be able to spit into your magic list.
The most important step towards healing from the complex is to look in the eyes of your fear and take it. What are the honors fear? Of course, "Two"! In adulthood, these "escaped" are insignificant, but for you to get a negative characteristic - death like, therefore, make this process controlled. Are you an excellent hostess, and all the homework are accustomed that your dishes are the top of perfection? Intentently reduce the dish, quite a bit, so that only you knew that "something went wrong." Get ready for a speech in public? Put the wrong accepted in a few words. You will see that your small blunders are really small and no one gives such a large imperfection value except you. It is important to feel this moment of control: you can be imperfect, and the sky will not fall to the ground, if someone is noticed. Practice such hooliganism as much as possible - and you will realize that it is not necessary to play Mr. or Mrs. Perfection around the clock.
As a rule, people suffering from a complex of excellent, live in the background voltage and anxiety. So you need to choose the relaxation practice suitable for you. It is important to exclude classes where you can "get an assessment" and start craving praise. So competitive sports, group drawing or dancing, alas, do not fit. But to engage in painting alone with you, try your hand on a pottery circle, visit the pool before closing (no swims for a while!) - Ideal options! Look for a matter that will not cause your desire to make it better than everyone.
Finally, no one canceled psychotherapy, which successfully copes with the complexes, dealing with their origins and eliminating the root of evil. A specialist can offer you several types of practices, including group. Teamwork is a great way to look at yourself from the side.