We dismantle your romantic relationships with such metosity! Why a chief does something or this, which is not calling for a crown, how to stop suffering from loneliness ... There is a feeling that, besides love, nothing happens in life. But there is still friendship. It would seem, what will you say about it? Psychologists can, and a lot: for example, without the possibility of communicating with friends there is no real happiness. We understand how to choose like-minded people and whom you should not write to the "best girlfriends".
About friendly relations People's wisdom The verbolet is almost as bright and colorfully as about love. I am sure you will be able to remember several proverbs or sayings on the topic. "Tell me who is your friend, and I will say who you are" - one of the communities and at the same time controversial statements. However, it remains controversial only for those who denied the fact: your environment is a mirror of your personality. Of course, it is not worth perceiving this idea, but to figure out why you choose yourself in the attorneys of certain people (or do not choose anyone) will be useful. Go!
Good deal
As it should be, I'm tired of readers, constantly sending them to early memories, - but what to do, we are all really come from childhood! By the way, I remember how easy it was easy to converge with new people when I was five, ten, even fifteen years old. "Let's be friends?" meant an invitation to the world where you are not alone, where you have comrades, tribesmen, accomplices, in the end, with which you can check not one prank. And at the same time, it was bitter and terribly to hear: "I'm not friends with you!" Who is like, but the experiences associated with friends were fully engaged; On the hearts of the boys just lacked neither the strength nor the time.
Psychologists are confident: without communicating with friends, happiness does not happen
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It often happens in classical extroverts - children who are easily converged both with peers and with older guys who are important a team and a reliable place in it. This is explained: our primitive ancestors worked exactly the same as us in childhood, and our children now. Without society, you will perish - and if today we are figuratively, then at the dawn of human civilization the lack of communication with other people meant literal death. Alone did not go to the hunt, did not guard the dwelling, did not follow the hearth, did not raise off the offspring. Being together was beneficial and safe.
But "profitable and safely" - not quite about the modern understanding of friendship, right? True, a number of philosophers will argue with you, who assured that even faithful friends come into the union sole to the sake of benefits. Among them, Larancyfo, who called the friendship of the transaction. I want to argue with cynical geniuses: Even if our distant ancestors used a kind of friendship for the benefit, then with the development of society, it ceased to be similar to business relationships and grew into a completely separate something. It is "something" - here we encounter love, and devotion, and patience, and mutual assistance. At one time, Aristotle exceeded friendship, separating it from other relations and emphasizing: it is content with possible, without requiring proper. The philosopher spoke of the main distinguishing sign of friendship - about adversity. It is how it puts the mansion a friendly union, separating it even from the related. After all, each other we have the opportunity to choose yourself, while brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers (and even children) we can only take (or not accept). So, friendship is a relationship based on a disinterested desire to communicate, trust, respect, interest. But why it happens that some people remain with us throughout life, and others turn off our path? Does this mean that we are incorrectly friends? How to save a strong connection and is it worth doing this?
Dangerous ties
In the near or distant circle of most of us there is the very guy from a neighboring entrance, a girl with whom you shared the desk, a country buddy. The first and sometimes the most important friendly contacts happen, as I said, in childhood. Psychologists explain this not only by mobile and flexible psyche of children and the lack of ideas about how "necessary." The case in a combination of three factors, thanks to which friendship is born: talk about the constancy of meetings, joint development and community of interest. It is clear why school time generously gave us close people: we regularly saw and grow together, in the end, choosing "their", focusing on similar values.
Try to keep in the so-called heart circle only those for whom you can rely on a difficult moment
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Why is such a strong and reliable foundation sometimes gave a crack? I remember it seemed to me that we would always be together with the girlfriend, always - how can it be otherwise? After all, we shared intimate, worried, cried and laughed together. But life somehow spread us very quickly: I left the last call, the entrance exams were gone, we had a high rank of students, and now a new acquaintance suddenly claims to the title of the best friend. Alas, but this painful experience of parting is a step towards the formation of real friendships. There is a kind of check: Are you close, do you need each other? The surroundings change, the named three factors cease to work, and if under the influence of the medium "everything" is lost, "you can draw conclusions. And if, after decades and long interruptions in communication you can easily call each other - here it is! School accommodations stayed by my friends. And if we could not overcome the circumstances raising us, then with these two passed through four weddings and two divorces, moving to other cities and countries, the birth of a child, a few dismissals ...
And then again smart psychologists insert their five kopecks, emphasizing: for the sake of friendship you need to do a lot, but not all. This thought requires clarification. Scientists of the minds assure that to maintain fading relations by all means - a glible business. Without a reasonable self-sacrifice, the desire to go to meet, willingness to help and be near could not do, but if it is a game in the same gate, it will not cost a candle. My father was his hand all his life in hand with one friend - they came out of the kindergarten together, reassured at school, at the university, by going around the country, supported relations. And then there was a situation that the wise people describes the words: "Friendship friendship, and the money apart." Dad decided to help the old friend, having learned in litigation and bonding it from multimillion losses. It would seem that the act of a real friend - but after that the relationship was divided. The former classmate disappeared from the radar, did not call, did not write, appeared only when assisted assisted again. And now the sincere disinterested union has become the very transaction that Larochefuciously spoke. Father tried to save the connection, but in the end I realized that it was better to let go of the situation. He did a lot of friendship, but decided to stop in time. Of course, living such situations is hard, but necessary. Try to keep in the so-called heart circle only those for whom you can rely on a difficult moment (and to whom you yourself are ready to provide support and help at any time). Those not necessarily dramatically tear, burning bridges, is enough to draw conclusions and "clean" space.
Many of us are accustomed to endure indifference and operation. Patience is a useful character trait, but it should not be your guideline. Environment really affects us - so it is worth staying among those who are ready to use you, but does not want to give anything in return? My friend, which I mistaken quickly recorded in a friend (what to do, I am an open and naive person), worried a difficult period, divorced my spouse. She was really not easy: one in someone else's city, without support, forced to work in two works. However, I also had about the same situation, and therefore a mutual assistance seemed to be the only right strategy. Time passed, and I began to notice that in this relationship I act as a function. If you needed to take someone, to buy something, listen, to be "vest", I was needed. But when a friendly shoulder was required to me, there were always some reasons to refuse. As a result, I almost unfortunately crossed out a familiar from his neighbor.
Poison ivy
In addition to those "friends", whose behavior is clear, there are other toxic personalities. It seems that they are just like - and here we remember about friendly adoption, we are guided by him and still do not get the joy of communication, which was expected to. From all-knowing psychologists and here there is an explanation. We all are somehow injured, but some cannot get out of certain roles - for example, from the position of the victim. Such people need to suffer, and you, being nearby, you will save the unfortunate. Your task as a loved one is to help, when they ask about it, but if communication has become a solid tragedy, review it. No one suggests that you "throw" a friend, who has been sacrificed, but to be his locomotive and pull out of constant depression should not be your mission.
It's not easy to converge in the age of thirty - this is true for love, and for friendly connections. But the quality of these ties over the years is only increasing
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Get rid of those "swung girlfriends" that depreciate or ridicule your feelings. You may not agree with each other, argue and categorically disperse in our views, but in the pleasant heart of the Union there is no place to humiliate and ridicule, moraling or mentoring. If the adopts of your old friend wounds you, it is worth saying about it straight, warn that she makes you hurt. If endless lectures on how your comrade is right, and you are not, undermine your self-confidence, you should not keep indignation.
Of course, it happens to be scary to give up communication, especially in a conscious age when the children's "Let's be friends?" Maybe not enough to start relationships. But here there is the same principle as in the romantic unions: so that next to you are worthy, there should be no unworthy in sight.
Expanding borders
Well, well, you will say, I got rid of all toxic falseworks, which "traveled" on me, used my kindness and laughed at my values. And with whom I will stay? The excitement is clear. Reliable, decent, interesting people do not fall on us as snow on the head (although sometimes there are also sudden meetings). So how to be? We remember three factors, three whales that create the foundation of solid unions.
Conditions of strong friendship:
Regularity. To lay the foundation of friendship, we must fulfill a number of conditions. First of all, it is important to meet with those who can become our friend on an ongoing basis. Remember the school with her daily lessons! Interests. We can see at least every minute, but if we won't bind something in common - interests, goals, views on life, tastes, - friendship will not come. For example, from the whole crowd of classmates, I chose those who share the love of the Ivanushki group. Development. The years go, we change, and it is important that those who go next to us also changed and developed. It happens that these metamorphoses lead to rupture of relations, but this is a natural process that should not be stopped.
School years have passed, and therefore it is difficult for us to find a place where we regularly meet with the same people. But appeared office weekdays! Look at your colleagues. Perhaps among them there is a person with whom you would be interested to talk, share something personal? Do not hurry and do not force the situation, some permanent contacts for the birth of friendship is small.
The next step is joint development. Remember where you could improve yourself in the company of others? Master classes, courses, trainings immediately come to mind. Here we work out immediately and the third factor - common interests and goals. Already being an adult person who has a system of principles and views, I found a stunning friend, having met him ... in the literary club! Yes, everything is so simple. Reading and discussing books, tea drinking, unhurried conversations after, and so every Sunday - and here Anya is already feeding my cat, while I am in departure helps to sit with the child, and I gladly translate her things and treat dinner after a difficult day. In the end there is a multifaceted virtual world. Communication in social networks can pour into many years of friendship.
It's not easy to converge in the age of thirty - this is true for love, and for friendly connections. But the quality of these ties over the years is only increasing. You already know what you want, you see what is acceptable for you, and what is the taboo, ready to give a lot and gratefully get in response. The main thing is not to be afraid and try to open peace. For this, sometimes it happens a fairly simple, naive and sincere children's phrase: "Will you be my friend?"
Where are you, friend?
Do you think that faithful comrades could be found only until a certain age? You're wrong! Psychologists assure that unions, folding after thirty years, become an example of devotion and strength.
Do not know where to look for friends? Pay attention to colleagues or like-minded people with whom you encounter, for example, on the playground or in the gym. People who came there, where and you are most likely similar motivation. And if not, there is a reason to talk about it.
Use the capabilities that the twenty-first century gave us! Through applications for romantic dating, you can find not only the lover, but also a good friend. Just do not forget to specify the one you are looking for, in your questionnaire, or carefully set up filters.