A few more than a few years ago, the divorce was extremely rare. To date, it has become an absolute norm, and many women raise children alone. However, life after divorce does not end, and often a woman comes into a second marriage. With the second marriage - the second husband and, accordingly, the second father for the child ...
It goes without saying that the appearance of an outsider in the family cannot pass unnoticed. Especially if there are children in this family. Of course, there are families in which such changes proceed almost painlessly, but this is not lucky.
In most of the same family, in whom stepfather appears, inevitably face a large number of various problems and conflicts, which, first of all, arise between stepfather and children, dismissed into tense relations and young spouses, writes JLADY.RU.
Can I prevent these conflicts? Universal recipe, ideally suitable for any family, unfortunately, simply does not exist. However, many family psychologists still give a few general tips to help smooth this adaptation period for the family.
How faster to eliminate the possible problems between stepfather and child, help to establish friendships to them and learn to trust each other, now it will be discussed.
Of course, in order for the new family to become strong and friendly, you will have to attach a lot of patience and forces. There is nothing impossible. But it is not necessary to hope that the situation will be resolved by itself, and even more so demand from a child, whatever he has made the first steps to reconcile. In this situation, adults will have to take on all responsibility for what is happening, because they have a life experience, and wisdom is much more than that of a child.
Who are you?
The very first question that needs to be clarified from the very beginning is how the child should apply to a new family member. Often a woman, guided by the desire as quickly as possible to teach a child to his new husband, makes call him dad. In some cases, the child is unquestioned by the mother and begins to call the stepfather for almost the first day. As a rule, such a development of events is typically for two cases: either the child is still too small, and the word mom for him is so far the immutable truth, or the child is so afraid of her that it simply does not solve it. And if in the first case, as a rule, there is no special problems in the relationship of the stepfather and the child, then in the second case the situation is much worse. He will be called someone else's person Pope he will, but sincerely love him immediately the child is unlikely to succeed. Yes, he will not join open conflicts with mother and stepfather, but here's what will happen in his soul, will remain mystery for seven seals, writes Jlady.ru.
That is why family psychologists have their own clearly defined point of view on this. In no case, do not forcing the child to anything, and even more so that the child recognize his dad is bad. After all, it is for this that you call him and causing it, forcing the dad to be called Pope is still a completely outstanding person for him. Much more wisely so that the child adds to his stepmate by name. On the one hand, it will be much easier for a child who will not feel like a traitor towards his native father, and with the second - the appeal named is much simpler for the stepfather himself. After all, he is also very and very difficult for him - after all, it is he comes to someone else's family, in which there are already his habits, his own routine, his way of life, a child ... and a man, even the most sensitive and caring, will need some time to To get used to everything. But if he suddenly begins to insist on the request of the child "Dad", be sure to talk to him and explain that it is necessary to improve both children and his own.
Effect of surprise
Very often adults themselves create very significant prerequisites for the emergence of interpersonal conflicts between the stepfather and the child. And the very first mistake that is often found is the effect of surprise. In no case do not make a child a surprise, which may be unpleasant - do not put a child before the accomplishment.
Often, a woman hides its relationship from the child, especially if he is in a difficult adolescent age, erroneously believing that it will be better. Not at all. After all, why is the truth from the child hiding? Because Mom suspects that the occurrence of various conflicts is possible.
But you should understand that you will not be able to avoid conflict in any case - sooner or later you will have to inform the child if, of course, you plan to legitim your relationship and live together. However, one more problem is added to all these conflicts - the strongest resentment for you for hidden from him the truth.
Therefore, try to put a child knowing the alleged marriage in advance. Although, of course, all his time, and acquaint a child with its chosen one, it is necessary only if your relationship is quite serious, and plans are quite accurate and designated. Otherwise, after the second - the third dating, the child will stop perceiving you at least as serious.
And further. Try not to postpone this conversation for an indefinite period, because the earlier you put a child informant and answer all his questions, the more time he will have time to get along with this thought and take it.
The first meeting
It often happens that the woman leads her future spouse home, without introducing him to his child. However, do not forget that finding in the morning in the bathroom or in the kitchen of an outsider man, the child may experience the most real psychological shock. It is very stupid to hope that the child will understand it alone. Therefore, the first acquaintance of a child with stepfather in the ideal version should occur at a neutral territory, in the most relaxed atmosphere.
"For the first meeting of the stepfather and the child, a hike in a cafe or theater, a walk through the park, a picnic in nature or a trip to new places can be a good option. After all, emotions experienced together are very close to people. It is important to look at the child's reaction, give him to chat with the future member of your family alone, find out how compatible they are, "the psychologist Vera Valentinovna Kozhevnikov believes.
By the way, many psychologists adhere to the fact that such meetings should be at least two - three. And only after that you can invite a man to visit yourself or ride it. Moreover, in this case, the duration of visits must be increased gradually until the child is fully accustomed to stepfather.
"It happens that familiarity with the new family member passes very easily and painlessly, in all other cases to solve the problems that have arisen should be treated with all seriousness and responsibility. In difficult situations, it is better to turn to a psychologist who will help you and your child build a harmonious relationship in the family. After all, psychology - science individual and over each specific situation need to work systemically, in the complex, and most importantly - together, "says Vera Valentinovna.