The more time we spend with people, the more they become part of us. We often think about yourself not just as a person, but about one point in the extensive network of human ties. Our identity is associated with people we love. When these bonding threads stretch or abrase due to anger and pain, we are fighting to keep, partly because we are fighting for saving part of yourself. What started as a connection is soon becoming a link. That is why instead of getting, we often find the reasons to stay. One of the most insidious ways to do it is to blame yourself.
Self-evidence occurs by the way, when the relationship no longer work and parting seems too painful. If we convince ourselves that someone offended or became insensitive because of our own mistakes, there is still hope. "All we need to do is improve the situation. If the problem is in me, then happiness in relationships completely in my hands, "this is a solution that retains hope due to our self-esteem. One way to get rid of this kind of self-criticism is to face the feeling that you probably began to be afraid more than you think - disappointment.
We associate ourselves with loved ones, and therefore we do not want to lose them
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You expect too much
Remind yourself: you have the right to disappoint. If you share your needs and feelings, and it actually pushes a person, you cannot be happy in a relationship. Realize yourself to blame for the fact that it is: you are experiencing strong fear that you will lose love if you ask what you want. It makes you get stuck in the wrong relationship with those who need you so that you have buried your needs.
Disappointment is not only not a threat of proximity, but often enhances it. A clear understanding of when because of your relationship you feel forgotten, lonely, unworthy, you are aware of your own needs. It brings you to your beloved and friends. It teaches them to love you. And there are some simple steps to return to a healthy disappointment:
Create borders. If inside something hurts, tell me about it. Be sure to tell about disappointment in the entire spectrum of emotions, allow yourself to be vulnerable - this is your best chance to be heard. But do not let people think that you are happy when it is not.
Commemorate with self-evidence. When something unpleasant happens between you and your partner, remember that your fear of losing them will definitely return you to self-evidence. Instead of asking: "What did I do wrong?" Ask: "I feel frustrated? Will I am afraid that something is wrong? "
Do not confuse the sympathy with responsibility. This is normal - try to understand why someone is upset, even if he hurt you. Perhaps your last few comments sounded cold or critically. But you can always fix it by offering sincere apologies. Do not take responsibility for any action other than yours. It's just another way to blame yourself.
Contact your pain yourself or with a psychologist
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Treat your post-traveled stress. For many, the violence of violent irony lies in the fact that symptoms of injury can make them get stuck in the abusive relationship. Nothing causes insecurity as permanent reports that the problem is in you, how often emotional rapists are stated, loving gaslights. If you are restored after injury, you will need help to feel normal again.