I can not resist, share reflections on the topic. It hurts a lot of recent times with such requests for young women who have become Mama. After a rapid congratulations on the motherhood and the "beginning of all the most beautiful" from the loved ones surrounding and even thematic sites on the Internet, for the young mother, all the most interesting, difficult, and most importantly, what no one has ever prepared for it.
In the period, while the child (or children) is small, any air locks are crumbling, which were in her imagination before childbirth.
So, we will analyze in order what no one speaks with a future mother. By the way, replicas in each point are voiced by real mothers.
"The husband will be in his arms and will be happy from what I gave him a child. Now he will make everything for me " . And yes, the husband is really happy. But feelings are not a deed. And no one guarantees that he will begin to fulfill your desires by magic, simply because you have endured and gave birth. In his eyes, he also made you immensely, because I made my mother. And now what questions can be - live, yes, rejoice! And when a woman begins to be an attach on maternity leave from the fact that in her life endless dumping, feeding, walking in any weather, he can not understand what you want from him.
"Where did my time?" It seems that the baby does not require a lot: feed, hugging, keep clean and put to sleep in time. Yes, and facilitate pain and inconvenience! And entertain! And the taped when she sleeps badly, and bathe, and wear around the clock on the handles. No one tells the young mother that her personal space will disappear. That she will not have time to sit with a cup of tea that now for many months and even years ahead of her schedule is built up taking into account the needs of a small little man. The most simple needs will go to the background, and at some point the rage and fatigue will scribe the fact that the campaign in the shower became a cherished dream. And all because a few more decid years ago it was the norm. Mothers raised several children without the help of anyone. These "the best" moments of life, they pushed out their daughters with such a message: "I could, and you can." And now that the young mother complains that she has no time for herself that it is immensely tired, the environment understands that she needs this stage in his life. But personal time and personal space at least at how much minutes per day is critical. This is the time when a woman can restore the resources that spends on the child and about himself, because no one has canceled it. Moreover, the better she takes care of themselves, the better cares about his child. It is like in the safety instructions on the aircraft: "When the interior is rapidizing the mask on yourself, and then on the child."
"Previously, my lack of attention from the side did not bother at all" . Sure! After all, even being a pregnant, you can go and go where you need to fall into bed or meet with girlfriends. And temporary lack of attention from her husband is easily experienced. But in the decree, the husband becomes the only source of attention, care, entertainment and new impressions. Not all are able to cope with this, especially because they do not know how much they begin to mean for a partner. You've gotten without him before. And now there is a tear, dependent, dissatisfied with him, disappointed milk. Moreover, the "sharp corners" that you used to go to communicate with each other, after the birth of a child become unbearable! If you used to be tolerant to any questions, now you will demand a solution, and immediately! For example, you can often observe how a woman and a man, who used to be perfectly lazy and who did not start unnecessary conversations, with the advent of the child begin to fall asleep with each other with silent claims.
"Where so much impatience and anger to your own child! After all, I love him! " And this is normal. It is not normal - it does not feel anger on a child who "selected" personal time, demands to devote himself to him without return, do not eat, not to sleep, etc. Well, is it possible not to be angry with such a mistake? Even with limitless love for him. This is an absolute norm.
Unpleasant but the fact that "The surrounding people are a function" . Yes Yes. Friends come to visit and sit with a baby while you wash in the shower. Or squeeze it in a cafe while you absorb everything from the plates. Mama-dad-husband is cleaned in the house and purchased products. And they work for you, as if it were just born, and not your baby. And you are not up to them and their needs, even if you feel guilty for the fact that they help you, and you are not grateful enough. For a while it will be so. The young mammy itself needs to survive shock from childbirth and from the fact that her attention is loyal now riveted to the baby and sensitively catches the most different needs.
"Sex ... What is it? The last time was even before the conception of the child . Especially if you breastfeed. Feeding hormones and sex hormones in our body act in a mutually exclusive way. According to statistics, 70 percent of the change of men in marriage occurs in the first year of the child's life. The lack of direct and honest conversations from partners on this topic leaves men with the idea that his wife is unopened to him. And he will have to satisfy his needs. And the woman, not ready for the fact that the sexual calling of her body is fought for a long time, suffering a feeling of guilt and shame.
And no matter how you forced your body until it fulfills its main mother function and does not rest, sexual potential will not be restored. It is important to take into account both you and your partner.
"The child will build our family even more" . We say women and give birth to the firstborn, waiting that he is some kind of magical way to fix the unmet attitudes in the family. Oh, what a destructive myth! Maybe the birth of a child will bring temporary changes to the partnership, but, by and large, the child fastens his parents. But the partnership, the love relationship and the community of values checks on the full program! So let your child be free from this task. It is hardly the main goal of his life must be the connection of your family. There is a destiny.
Of course, you can assume that you will have differently. And the material of this article will not affect. I wonder!
At the same time, I for the sobriety of approach in everything, including motherhood. It is impossible to prepare everything, you can only consider my fantasies about yourself in the role of my mother and recognize that they are not all embaling.
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin