We want to solve everything. Puzzles, riddles, mathematical tasks and other people's vital problems. When people come to us with a problem, we almost instinctively try to solve it. When we ourselves do not face the problem, we have the advantage in the fact that we see different points of view and find solutions easier than a person who experiences it. So, when others come to us to talk about the problem, why they seem to do not want our "good" council?
Try to remember when you last upset and wanted to talk about it. Do you want someone to solve your problem for you so that you can do with it, or did you want to express your opinion and feel that your thoughts confirmed? Usually, when others begin to tell us about the problem, they want to let her go and feel free. We do not accept the advice of others (no matter how thoughtful they are), because we like to keep everything under control, especially when it comes to our own life. So, what are we doing when they are treated with a problem? This article presents simple steps that will help to cope with situations where others are asked by the Council.
To ask questions
Examples are useful, so let's start with one. Your friend comes to you and says that he is unhappy with his work and does not know what to do. If you were given advice, you could say "find a new job" or "You just have a bad week, you love your job." Although these are all possible solutions, we never learned what our friend thinks or feels. When we are treated with the problem, the first thing you need to ask questions. Find out why they had this problem and what they feel. If we asked such a question as "what do you dislike about your work?" We could get more information about the problem. They can say: "I like what I am doing, but I don't like my working hours." Their problem is not in the work itself, but in hours.
Asking questions, the problem is becoming clearer
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Now that we have more information, we still do not want to solve their problem for them. We can continue to ask questions to help them spoke until they find their own decision. Try to ask questions such as "what schedule would you like?". Our work is not to solve their problem, but we can help them find answers that they already have, just asking them questions. They may not find their solution at that moment, but they will feel heard and approved when you make an interest in them by asking questions.
Examine positive qualities
Another advice (not) to give advice is to mention the positive qualities of a person. Suppose our friend comes to us and discusses their concerns about whether they should ask for an increase in work. Instead of talking to them, whether they should do it and how to do it, we can start with strengthening their confidence and allow them to find their own path that they are comfortable. They understand themselves and their boss / working environment better than we, so they have a better solution for themselves. We could point out their positive qualities, such as "I know that you are very hardworking" or "you spent some time in the company and seem an excellent candidate to fulfill new responsibilities." We can also use those questions about previously, for example, the question: "When was the last time you raised the salary?" Or "In which mood your boss is lately?". These questions will help them comprehend the situation and send them to decision making.
Discuss possible solutions
If people tell us about the problem, we must begin with setting more questions and mention their positive qualities. It gives them the opportunity to tell us what possible solutions they came up with. This method can interfere with us to randomly give them a solution that goes against the decisions they mean. Imagine your friend tells you that he has problems with his spouse. They tell stories about how bad. We can start giving them advice on how to break the relationship or how they can achieve more. But what if they miss sight of what they do not want to part? Having said to leave them, we can actually push a friend from us, because now they think that we negatively treat their spouse and their relationship. It is best to ask questions such as "What do you want to do?". Asking them about several options, you make them think about possible solutions, and do not put you in an uncomfortable situation in which you feel you need to express your opinion.
Exchange stories
When others tell us about the problem or situations with which they fight, we often tell them about cases when we survived something similar. It can be a useful way to normalize what they pass, and help them do not feel lonely. However, this is also a difficult task because there is a thin line between to help them and tell about yourself, and not about them. Sharing stories with someone, we want to ask ourselves, whether we share it to help them feel less insulated, or decide to share our story, because we want to talk about her. We all need time to express our opinion, and their story may have brought you something that you now want to discuss. However, now not your time. We need to allow others to get your moment.
Tell the story, but do not drag the blanket for yourself
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Give them to understand what you want them to know that they are not alone. Tell them what decision you took in our situation, and how it helped or damaged you, but that this decision was for you, and they will need to find what is suitable for them. Make sure you do not give them to understand that your solution is suitable for everyone. You just offer perspective.