Tranquility, harmony, stability and joint development are not exactly about your relationship? In the Union with a partner, parent or friend, you feel a constant anxiety, desire to justify, apologize, please and not offend? Congratulations, you are a victim of the toxic personality, the so-called abuser, or an emotional rapist. It sounds scary, and this is true.
A large breakthrough of recent years for our society has become widespread recognition of understandable, it would seem that the fact: violence is not always a story about physical impact, the word wounds, and the psychological pressure will significantly change our personality. These are not loud words, but the actual victory, because until recently, even beatings from the partner were considered something like recognition in love, recall at least the sayings: "Beats - it means loves" and "Bay Babu Molota, there will be a woman with gold." If such an appeal with a person was recognized as the norm up to the present moment, what to talk about insults, humiliation and emotional violence, which does not leave the "material" traces? Alas, but non-physical methods of control and impact on a partner are still not regarded as something terrible. "Think, shouting at me, the main thing is not hurting," "He is constantly jealous and suits me the scenes, but it's from big feelings," she is always unhappy with me, it constantly criticizes, but it's clear, I could be better "- This is only part of a quotation from the victims of the so-called abusers (from English abuse - "cruel appeal"). I hurry you to disappoint: no big feelings here and does not smell. So why do we think otherwise, we do not notice or refuse to recognize the fact that we are victims? We understand!
1. Rushes
If your partner, colleague or parent too often allows himself non-extended statements and dubious jokes at your address - alert! This may be the first call.
2. Control
The desire to keep your hand on the pulse and constantly control you, your actions, solutions, the budget is a typical sign of the Abuzer. Do not illusions: it is not care, but only a painful need to subordinate you.
3. cold
Your quarrels can resemble classic Italian disassembly, and attacks of jealousy - sometimes shock, but otherwise your partner remains emotionally closed and inaccessible, without empathy and compassion.
Violence is not always a story about physical impact, the word wounds, and psychological pressure will significantly change our identity
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Drama theatre
First of all, it is necessary to understand who they are such, already named abusers. They are not in vain called toxic - the presence of such comrades in our life literally poisoning existence. And first, such an effect is imperceptible, then the degree of drama increases, and when you understand that something went not according to plan, to get out of competently placed networks of the absurger and very difficult.
Alas, but those who practice psychological press and cruelty against loved ones, not so little. Moreover, almost ninety percent of the divorced spouses recognized that they felt victims of violence in marriage. An abuser can be anyone: your friend, neighbor, the nearest buddy or his own husband. What happens that a normal person turns into a wolf in a sheep skin?
People who are prone to emotional violence, almost one hundred percent ever survived him. Most likely, in childhood, when parents, instead of becoming a source of security, has broadcast the child insecurity in their own power, distrust of peace and constant alarm. Being an adult, such a person cannot overcome his neurosis and complexes, fear and aggression will dig in it, looking for a way out. Usually there are two - or autoagression, that is, destructive actions aimed at themselves, or an attack on others, usually the closest people. Very often, the victims of toxic parents, grown children, turn their poison against them.
In relations, the absurizers are emotionally closed, removed, are not ready to speak, to come to contact. Any attempt to establish communication, they stop the disgusting phrase ("do not make me brains" - one of the most recognizable). They seem indifferent and cold when it comes to emotional support in difficult situations. It is difficult for them to show sympathy, just to be close to recognize their mistakes. For each, they have a good reason, and any of their missions it will definitely explain with ease. Guilty the abuse will never be - except in words.
All means are good
How is toxicity expressed in relation to others? Remember, probably in your environment there is a person whom someone is not-no yes and called an emotional vampire. After contacting him, even short-term, you will determine the mood, enthusiasm and positive attitude disappears, a sense of uncertainty in your own forces appears. Of course, no "vampirism" here and does not smell - before us is a typical "TOKS", which some incredibly knows how to instill anxiety and doubt. However, it is symbolic to call such a man with blood blood pressure.
Abuasers have their own arsenal of receptions and techniques that allow you to control you. Everything is built on the destruction of your self-esteem and undermining faith in your own strength. And here you can immediately make a logical conclusion: a person with a good self-esteem, firmly standing on his legs, clearly knowing everything about his borders and principles, rarely becomes a victim of psychological presing. Only feeling in your direction the manipulative moods, he stops such actions on the root. Alas, but completely healthy mentally people almost never happens, because we are all somehow in a risk group by emotional violence.
So, we turn to the specific actions that the toxic partner exercises. It is very difficult from it to wait for praise - both formal and real. You can roll the mountains, become an Olympic champion and have time to prepare a great dinner, but the dissatisfied abuse and eyebrows will not behave - and this is at best. Usually your achievements, victories and accomplishments are ridiculed, the professional choice is rejected, and the initiatives are criticized in the fluff and dust. "Yes, who is now treating people, what do you want to stay beggar?", "Think, the top manager of the company, you are like a monkey with a grenade" - only part of typical rapist reactions.
Control over you is the main goal of the Abuzer
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Mocking your arguments on any topic, your opinions and judgments. Moreover, the absurr just laughs at you (allegedly kindly, in a joke, but with enviable constant and ignoring requests to stop doing it). If you are offended, then you will definitely get a reward of a bad sense of humor and too acute reaction. According to the toxic man, he cannot be wrong, and therefore you are wrong. By the way, if you try to joke with him in response, you will get an avalanche of indignation and disrespect. We promise: a quarrel with the recovery of offended dignity is provided to you.
If your achievements of the rapist ignores, then the real mistakes will be accepted by them and will become a parable in the people. No detail will be missed by the abuser outstream - everything will be saved in all details and trifles.
All this is ridicule, jokes, contempt, disregard and ignoring on a permanent basis - sooner or later will lead to the fact that your self-esteem will begin to fall rapidly. At some point, you will seriously cease to believe that, working on three works, engaged in children and the house, supporting yourself in shape and trying to get along with an unimaginable "tox", do something special. "There is nothing to be proud of yourself, everyone is cope with this ..." - the main message of the rapist, with the help of which he begins to successfully control you and your life.
By the way, control over you is the main goal of the Abuzer. A man with a undermined self-esteem manipulated easily and simply, because after the above acceptors, the emotional rapist "includes" heavy artillery. For example, a partner may start to control your finances, demand to report for the money spent, criticize your choice of clothes or products, considering that you allow you too much to allow (read "not worthy of this"). Decisions taken without his knowledge and approval will be subject to obstruction, and you will be guilty in disrespect. So, you will have to coordinate with such a partner a trip to the cinema, in a cafe with girlfriends, even to the store. Anyone of your independent action may be regarded as an act of disobedience - and will be a reason to make you wrong. In general, hanging labels, sacrifice games and attempts to instill you a constant feeling of guilt - the brightest markers for which the absurrier is easy to find out. Another characteristic feature is the inability or reluctance to ask for forgiveness. Never. Under no circumstances Exception One: when the rapist feels that you elude from its tenacious hugs.
In some words, I want to mention a classic technique that is used toxic people, the so-called gaslight. The term came to psychology from the cinema: in the film "Gas Light" of 1945, it is excellent, as a husband, an emotional rapist, skillfully manipulates his wife, forcing that feel crazy. Actually, this consists of a salt of techniques. Aggressive partner denies your feelings and experiences, forcing me to doubt their reality. "It seemed to you", "You are all inventing, this was not!", "I just joked, and you ...", "I didn't say this, you are lying", "You are so sensitive", "you love to exaggerate", "Oh Yes, nothing special happened "- if you hear these or similar phrases from someone from your loved ones, be careful, there is a reason to assume that they manipulate you. Gaslighting is one of the most invisible, but devastating techniques in the Arsenal of the Abuzer. If you are constantly in doubt about your own actions and words, you are afraid to make decisions, express emotions, constantly ask for forgiveness, obviously, the skills are honored.
Recognition - step towards healing
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There is an exit
How to be if you discovered yourself in the center of toxic relationships? It is not easy to break the poisonous union, because the sacrifice is certainly necessary for the aggressor. No one is going to let you go with the world, and from here there are two ways.
If you understand that a member of the abuser at an early stage of this contact and you still have mental strength and faith in yourself, you can try to finish these relationships. Be prepared for chasters, jealousy, passionate scries, promises of love to the coffin, attempts to play in the feeling of guilt and pity. The emotional rapist understands the price of attachment and will definitely use these knowledge against you.
If neither the strength, no desire, no opportunity to complete relations with the absurr, for example, a toxic partner is your parent or child, you need to make a number of steps. Take a rule once a week to do something for myself, without putting partner informant and not justifying his decision. Do not go about the offended Tox, remember your interests and ambitions. Know that no one will suffer from what you declare about your desires and borders.
By the way, about the borders - remind themselves to themselves. Understand that it is unacceptable for you that you are not going to endure that you need to stop right now. Connect this information to the abuser along with information on the consequences of intersection of your borders and violations of the rules. Be sure to remember the support that friends can have, as well as groups of psychological assistance. It is important for you to know that you love and appreciate.
Do not attempt to change your abuser. All you can do is not to succumb to manipulation and show him another model of relationships. But to feed hope for the healing of the aggressor is not worth it - this is his life, and you are not responsible for it.
And most importantly: on the root chop the feeling of guilt before the offender. There is no reason for violence in your direction can be justified. The victims of emotional rapists believe in what they deserve a cruel attitude. Who would tell you, it is worth remembering that you are a unique person whose life is a huge value.
If the abuser is you ...
Recognition - a step towards healing. People inclined to psychological violence are not monsters, not monsters, as well as psychologically affected, victims of pressure, cruelty and dislike. Take yourself and your features, try to remember when and how your emotional rapist path began.
It is very important to start analyzing your actions, trying to understand what is a trigger, that is, a trigger to emotional violence. Ask yourself questions: What will happen if you don't shout / insult / ionize / get up in a pose offended? A sensible attitude is the key to success.
You need to listen to your victims without any "but", justification and clarification of relations. Your task is to stand in place of one who suffered from your cruelty, and try to feel at this place. And also: be sure to apologize to those whom you offended, as well as yourself. And sorry!