We are all adults and are ready to confess to yourself: there is no ideal, a prince on a white horse or a fabulous princess in the castle, which has once drawn our imagination. And when we are ready to accept the imperfection of the world and take our partner as it is (since he or she seems to be far from bad), it happens. The very misunderstanding, which annually causes almost half of all divorces in the world. We find out whether it is worth fighting for the relationship if you stopped hearing each other.
Look! Surely in your environment there are pairs that were as if created for each other, but at some point these fabulous lovers have something went wrong. Perhaps you and your partner themselves turned out to be among the disappointed spouses who are tired of looking for points of contact. But before everything was different. And it began so beautifully: common goals and interests, a common temperament, a similar worldview ... Well, how can I "not be fighting" with such introductory? Alas, but maybe, the more, the more wives and husbands complain about the feeling of loneliness in marriage, to feel a loss and abandonment.
And at the same time, belong to someone (let and conditionally), to be part of something more than he himself, is one of the main social needs of a person. And not only a child! If for a kid to be part of my mother to a certain age means physical well-being, then further, already a teenager, let the riot and rejecting parents, it is extremely important to remain in connection with them.
When we drop out of your native nest, it is sooner or later we feel the need for a love alliance. Speech, of course, not about the neurotic search for anyone, so that "just was nearby." But even one who managed to grow a solid person, does not experience problems with the borders and is not afraid of loneliness, this necessity is present. Today we will talk about those who put the strength and soul into relations with a partner, but after a time he is disappointed on the love front.
Surprisingly, most of us rarely think about what we can be similar in everything except the language in which we recognize each other in love
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World of illusion
They say the heart is experiencing stress when it is "broken" - metaphorically, of course. This fact noted not only psychologists, but also cardiologists, noticed that the cardiovascular system gives unexpected functional failures with full physical health if the patient recently collided, for example, with unrequited love.
"Languages" love
The words. According to statistics, most women really love ears, and therefore very well perceive manifestations of feelings expressed verbal. But the same statistics state that without reinforcing words of actions, passion and love will fuss during the first months of the most turbulent novel.
Actions. Direct worries and signs of attention in the form of gifts, meetings at the airport, buying the necessary products in the nearest store and even freshly towel on the shelf in the bathroom - actions that speak of love do not have to be "big". Life consists of trifles and details!
Contact. The special category of lovers knows how and loves to "express" with the help of the time they are willing to spend with the object of desire, and physical contact. These are people who are important to tactile sensations that hardly transfer long separation and "punishment" by the lack of sex, hugs or kisses.
Moreover: this heartache has its own categories and subspecies. And the "unrequited" pain is often transferred much easier than the pain of loss. Friends of my parents experienced a heavy divorce. All the reasons we, of course, did not know, but the spouses recognized my mom and dad (individually and together) that the feelings did not go anywhere, but they are forced to part, because they bring each other to white crown mutual reproach. Both in fifty, they did not imagine a friend without a friend, but it became unbearable. And so the gap happened. My mother supported a girlfriend, Dad tried to get a friend, and I remembered that once parents took a similar stage and even separated for a year. Their union saved my godfather, which was a psychotherapist. In a good way, she had no right to work with them, because these are close people. But parents - comrades of the old quenching, no psychologists and other "Mozrekravov" were not recognized, and had to influence them in a friendly. After several months of spiritual conversations, the mother opened their eyes. She understood that he demanded from the Father what he could never give. Not from harm, not because he does not like, but just what Mom wanted, he does not have. There is no ability to speak beautiful words in it, confess the feelings, make compliments, support with conversations. But there is something else. Dad has always been an excellent farm assistant, could cook lunch, remove the apartment, build a cottage. So they expressed his love and care, but the mother did not notice this language of love, because her tongue was different. And when the insight happened, the next step was the adoption of this fact. Then "pulled out" and the father who realized that the mother's endless persisions, chatter, cute (and such stupid, as it seemed to dad) postcards and notes - this is a way to express your feelings, and not the desire to "get". Now they see these moments, sometimes annoyed, but never reproach each other in indifference. But for a loving person there is no accusation worse! Now their marriage is much stronger and more stable than ever.
How, you ask, it was possible to live with each other not one ten years so as not to understand such, it would seem like elementary things? Surprisingly, most of us rarely think about what we can be similar to everyone except the language on which we recognize each other in love. Our ideal compatibility is not worth a penny, if we cannot communicate, read the messages to each other. Imagine that you met a foreigner. By default, this person is your fate. He fits you as a faithful piece of puzzle, he is ideal, but ... he speaks in another language, which you even do not even understand. How do you think will the union? Only in case you start learning each other's speech and can establish contact. Otherwise, you will remind two deafs who are trying to convey their thoughts into emptiness.
Understand me and I
For the first time, the idea to decompose everything along the shelves and systematize the languages on which the lovers speak, came to the American writer Gary Chapman. In 1992, he released the book "Five Languages of Love", which almost immediately became a bestseller. However, Gary is not the discoverer in this matter. But it was he who managed to convey to the mass reader the idea that we were not only different (it was clear without it), but also express our feelings very differently. It seems that such a banality could not affect the infinite festival of misunderstandings, which reigned between men and women, but, on studies of psychotherapists, who advised this book to customers on the verge of a divorce, after reading eight out of ten couples were chosen from the crisis.
So what languages are about? They are seemed to be out of the name, five, but it is important to understand that any typing has its assumptions. We are often carriers of so-called dialects and mixed languages.
Do you remember the phrase that women love ears? It's true! A large number of ladies really prefer to express and receive love in the form of words. "How is your job today?", "Are you not frozen?", "Let's talk!", "Why are you silent all the time?" - Here they are familiar phrases. People literally speaking about their love is extremely important to hear about her in response. They suffer if the party is silent, if not used to directly declare his passion if instead of a conversation for souls asks what he should do to make it easier. It is contraindicated to criticize and condemn such people: not because they are "kisiny", just in the absence of words of love words of critics are perceived by them as a refusal of proximity.
Someone is important words, someone - touches
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Men prefer to confess their feelings with the actions. Are you familiar with seeing assistants? He hangs and hangs the regiment, and the store comes down, and the car will figure it out. For him, all these actions are equivalent to long confessions in love under the windows.
Another way is to regularly give gifts. In the modern world, this language is compromised, but before expensive presents were considered appropriate to be presented only to the closest people. However, it is not about the cost here, but about attention. A small bouquet in honor of Friday, a postcard is just so, a selection of songs of own essay - all this ways to say: "I love you." For people who know how to speak this language, memorable dates are extremely important, and if the spouse forgets about the anniversary, it will be a reason to doubt his feelings.
Those who can give not only material, but also their time, are considered carriers of a very rare language of love. If you are ready to just be near, silently watch movies or read books, walking or cooking, in a word, to be in each other's society, without demanding more, you are from those persons! If your partner talks like that, remember that for him there is a long-term separation or, on the contrary, a constant pastime together in the "no day without a friend" mode. Such people appreciate moments together, but it is also important to "breathe" alone with them. It is clear that the relationship is categorically not suitable for them, but the format, when one of the spouses goes into short-term business trips, is quite acceptable.
Finally, the fifth language of love is physical. He, too, like the "Gift", partially lost its properties to concern feelings to the chief, because today it does not mean to admit to love (just a fact without excess morality). Nevertheless, there are those for whom hugs, touch, kisses and sex mean to show the highest degree of trust and care. That is why it is extremely important to coincide with the partner in temperaments, because for "physicists" there is a permanent refusal to the proximity, the impossibility of pressing the partner or another regular neglect of contact with it is equivalent to cure and failure to love.
As we have already noted, "clean" languages are rare, often we combine several types, for example, a major verbal and supportive physical, main caring and supportive gift.
Compromise solution
And what to do, when awareness happened, but do you categorically disagree with reality? After all, you are so desperately lacking gentle words, concrete actions or long walks hand in hand! First of all, it is important to understand whether love is in your union. We talked about ways to say about her, and if you with your partner really connects a great feeling, and not a habit or movement on inertia, then it is a feeling that will definitely be broadcast to you in one way or another.
Often those who cannot take validity exist in the unlasked unions that are no longer fastened with love. If you have nothing to say, let you express themselves in all languages of the world, you will not be able to convey to the partner information about your attachment, care and respect.
Often those who can not take validity exist in opposing unions that are no longer bonded by love
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When there is love, but you do not notice her fluids, because your partner, figuratively speaking, a foreigner, will have to find a compromise. Now his value is disputed in relation to many, which, in my opinion, is very unreasonable. I, the maximalist to the brain of bones, a person who has seen only black and white for a long time, in his current marriage understood a simple thing: where there is an opportunity to find a point of contact without violence and damage to your personality, there is stability, and strength, and feelings Live longer. I do not challenging the need to say "no", but constantly put only myself in the first place, to be irreconcilable, inequish party-nurser it turns out very short time. As a result of such fundamentality, people who could form a reliable union for mutual happiness and harmony to form a reliable union, indulging in the struggle for their own freedoms. Value, and the complexity of the "paired" existence: you voluntarily, for your own pleasure, come into contact with another person, which is different from you, and wait for everything to be smooth, unreasonable. But if there was no joy from communication, and the compromises will be in a burden.
Does it make sense to learn the language of your partner? Of course. So you will notice gestures, trifles, care and warmth, which gives you a lover, let and not in the format that was familiar to you. It is also important to tell him and that you yourself are used to expressing feelings in a certain way. No one is waiting for Muschun to write poems, and a person who is accustomed to talking about love with the help of hugs will begin to give you gifts every day, but sometimes try to express themselves in someone else's language. So we better learn chosen, we accept their uniqueness. But there is no more durable foundation for any union than acceptance and respect.
Can you hear me?
- It is imperative that you do not lose the ability to listen to each other, even if you hear in the end it does not work. Remember that this is a matter of practice! Train not perceive as a partner's proper device in your direction.
- Remember that love does not give you endless rights at his time, strength and care.
- Our grandmothers were very often given to the younger generation of the wise council praise their chosen one. Take advantage of them! It is not necessary to crumble in endless verbose thanks, but you just need to note the efforts of your beloved.
- If you need gratitude and recognition yourself, say it. There is no more destructive feeling than the condition of its own closer in a pair.