When I was preparing for the last seminar on learning abroad, for my presentation I turned a lot of literature, a Russian-speaking and foreign ones, devoted to the problem of fathers and children leaving the nest for study in another city.
English-speaking resources clearly divided the situation into 2 parts: the councils of freshmen "How to survive in campus" and recommendations to parents to overcome the "empty nest" syndrome. Reflection on the topic "Are the children will be ready to leave the parent home" did not assume. But a similar problem was concerned Russian-speaking resources. Parents in the post-Soviet space are not always ready to let go of their child. During work in the StudentPol program, we faced various variations of parental fears.
× 1. The child is not ready for an independent life - I will not get food, will not come to study. We had an almost cheerful story when the train with an applicant came 15 minutes earlier than the schedule, and the meeting officer did not find the future student on the platform. The next hour was filled with a nervous chime: an employee - office - a boy's mother - an office in their city. The phone number of events itself was turned off. After a while, the applicant was found at the university, where he calmly reached, asking the road in the citizens. Mom was in the pre-infarction state, she was confident in his inability to get somewhere independently. In fact, children coped with life, although there are special cases.
× 2. The child will not be able to study in someone else's country (someone else's city, in someone else's language). In fact, motivation is a great thing. A person who has been motivated all his life by affecting conscience or fear of parents, can feel an unexpected taste for comprehending science where it is really interesting. No one stands with the whip, no one makes learn "from this so far," no one puts as an example of Masha from the "a" class or Seva from the neighboring entrance, and the student sits in the library for days and nights. You should not deprive children opportunities to try yourself in a really good university.
× 3. Parents are afraid of the alienation of children, breaking proximity. It is worth asking yourself, what am I actually afraid to lose? Emotional proximity is not the thing that may disappear for six months. Usually parents are actually afraid of the loss of control. We had an example when my father found an apartment for her daughter, he himself picked up a neighbor for living, monthly himself (!) Having paid the owner's payments, leaving his daughter only payment of the phone and the Internet. My statement is in that spirit that if he wants to teach a daughter to an independent life abroad, he should give her talks to the spontaneous negotiations with the owners and rent a rent, he replied that, they say, so he is calmer. Then it makes no sense, it seems to me, to complain about the infantality of children and reluctance to make efforts and leave the comfort zone. Although, there is no dispute, calmer. And about the proximity - where there were really warm and close relationships, there is no danger to lose them, rather, on the contrary, children begin to appreciate care, love and parent support is much stronger, being far away.
× 4. How am I without him (without it)? Usually this fear pursues mothers. Here I recommend turning to the extensive work of Western psychologists. The "empty nest" syndrome is studied along and across all possible points of view. The conclusion here is one - find yourself a lesson and release the child in his own life. Charity, sports, hobbies, attention to the satellite of life - it is not possible to do anything at a great age when children rose, and to old age are still far away. You can pay attention to yourself and do what it used to disastrously lacked time and effort, instead of controlling uncontrollable (see × × 3).
Do not deprive children opportunities to try yourself in a really good university
Photo: pixabay.com/ru.
× 5. Children will leave, will penetrate with another culture and mentality, and we will speak in different languages with them. It would be good here to be honest with you. We are talking to them in different languages. Our children have mastered the iPhone earlier than the alphabet, perceive the whole world as a country to be revealed, know 2-3 languages by 17 years. We want this or not, they are different and think otherwise. In their future there will be no place for the professions to which we once sought, there are those prohibitions and restrictions that prevented us to live as you want. But there will be some other difficulties and problems. We either try to configure them to our wave, or try to hear what is happening on their wave.
× 6. Divided from home the child will fall under a bad effect. As if we wanted to protect the child from the negative, our child will encounter sooner or later with the side of life that we tried to hide from him. His presence will be drunk or taking drugs. He will see the strollers and negligent students. Most likely, he will fall on the way of a girl of light behavior and unclean on the hand comrades. But all that we taught him for 17 years, that he absorbed into the family will help him make a choice. The main thing is how we can help your child here is to trust him.
× 7. In another distant life of children, we will not have a place. "There, in the edge of the distant" we will be not so appropriate with our knowledge of life and advice. Our experience and authority under a big question. What can we know about life in the university town in California or in the Research Center on the island in Norway? I do not advise neither the store, no hairdresser, we will not teach interaction with your husband, if he is a Japanese, or with his wife's parents, if they are from India. There is a link between ... But we need children not for tips and recommendations. They still won't listen. We need them, as in the first days, for unconditional support. In order to be near. Do not comment, not to read notations, do not evaluate their actions. Just be near.
I had a wonderful experience when I came to the son of my son, having received a post "key under the rug, please do not comment on Bardak." The key was in place, and the word "Bardak" very approximately described what was happening in the apartment. Suffice it to say that I found traces of dishes prepared by me in the previous arrival. And it's amazing how difficult it was for me to stay from stinging observations. As I wanted to speak on the topic of order, cleaning, maintaining cleanliness. But because no one asked me to express opinions on this, and on the contrary - they pointed out that it would be nice to keep it with you. An adult man himself decides how to live him, what to spend time and personally earned money. I thought and decided to just clean up. Silently. I could not do that, no one asked this and did not wait for me, the son would be glad simply if I didn't endorse my brain. But I regretted the child, with his work, studying and training and decided to make him pleasant. It was a big breakthrough in our relationship. I clearly realized that it was, like a lot more, not my business. If I do not cry for it, if there are no effort and actions in this direction, if my advice did not ask me and it does not concern me personally, it's not my business.
I see different parents. Some are trying to live life for their children: choose them a specialty for study, city, apartment and even friends. Some are released into free swimming and sometimes have a very weak idea of what the scourge lives. Other parents are not aware that their child has not been studying for a long time, benefit, there are universities who allow to infectness to take academic leave or relief. And some of the truth and untrue trying to gain access to the virtual dean to see the whole picture. We all love their children, as we can, and wish them good. It is only necessary to remember that all our fears, all denials and unwillingness to go beyond the scope of usual ideas affect them, our favorite children. Our solutions today affect their lives after many, many years, when we will not be. They will live with a loaf on us, instead of going ahead. Do we want this for them?
Ekaterina Mikhalevich, Entrepreneur, Head of the International Education of StudentPol