What are his peers for a teenager?
The peers for a teenager is a mirror in which its similarity is reflected with them and differences are noticeable; the benchmark, on which he twists its values; Wednesday, which is of great importance for him, in which he wants to be accepted, where dreams of being understood and afraid to be rejected.
American psychologists held a curious experiment. They decided to establish how much time adolescents are spent with peers and their parents. Each participant was given a pager to which queries from researchers came during the day. For each message, teenagers had to answer immediately, where and with whom they are. It turned out that most part of the time (50%), schoolchildren were held with friends and classmates and only 30% of the time were provided to themselves.
In the Movement Wednesday, a teenager draws strength to cope with changes in it, and is looking for new benchmarks for their behavior. He constantly overshadows his actions with the fact that others are waiting for him, trying to bring her opinion, feelings, actions in line with the norms adopted in the company of friends. Through other teenager, not only finds himself, he continues. By themselves, teaching, relations with teachers and parents go to the background. Therefore, quite legal indignation and protest cause him a mother and dad, which Po Ho respond about some of the friends.
Today, it is difficult for today, it is difficult to recall what a teenage company once had the importance for them and what valuable skills we have purchased it. For example, in psychology there is such a concept - the "phenomenon of the layout of responsibility", when a person recognizes the right of another in the company to impose responsibility for the success or failure of a joint business. How to do without this skill in any adult team in the future? For example, if the group was not very cohesive, the failure is attributed to someone alone, and if there is a close connection in it, then each participant becomes involved in the failure or success that everything has achieved.
By the nature of friendship with peers, parents can understand what exactly the child receives from communication and does not need adult help. Why and for what a teenager seeks to those who may not cause the approval of the elders? Why is it interesting to him and what can compensate for such a desire?
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How are we friends?
Friendship between peers occurs at least four reasons.
If the teenager appreciates power, endurance, dexterity, it will certainly begin to unite with the guys who have these qualities. This type of friendship is "bottom-up" - based on suggestibility and partly submission. A teenager seeks to be the same as others, trying to imitate stronger - in clothes, a manner to hold on, talk. Plus such friendship - the child will persistently develop in the same direction as its favorites.
The second option of friendly relationships is a union with those who appreciate the quality you have. The teenager feels needed, sees himself a real person, because in the company it is appreciated for knowledge and skills (for example, something to invent, masterfully play football or quickly understand the options of the new gadget). Such friendship develops management skills and command, and also teaches to feel confidence. This type of friendship is "an extension from top to bottom" - it consists through the domination of someone, who dictates the rules while others should obey.
The third version of teenage friendship is adequate, it remains significant for many years. For example, seventh graders who are passionate about mathematics are equally capable, the tasks are well solved and the tests are trying to fulfill the tasks more complicated. At the same time they are interested in communicating outside the class and outside the lessons. Such friendship takes the form of a match or struggle, which becomes an internal goal, despite the fact that relations are built on the equality of the parties.
There is a fourth type when teenagers communicate, dominating or subordinate to one, then another. The internal instability of such children makes unstable and their friendship. This type of relationship will necessarily give rolls and cause conflicts, and the most likely that sooner or later, the teenager will obey stronger in the group. Alas, such a type of friendship is the most flawed, it carries the charge of hooliganism, asocialism, cruelty.
If the child does not make up relations with peers and there are no friends, he is necessarily needed by the help of parents and psychologists to understand what kind of problem is connected by this symptom of unfavorable. In addition, if, in addition to school and home affairs, the child does not know where to do herself and what to do, if he feels unacceptable in school, he can get into a dubious company.
I remember the story that happened literally a couple of years ago. A quiet and modest seventhlace Natasha, who grew in a completely prosperous family in appearance, did not have girlfriends at all. She studied unevenly, was afraid of attention to himself. Teacher's invitation to respond to the board caused her fear. The girl often had to hear sharp remarks to his address from the English teacher, so she did not love this item, like others who were hard to do it. The family was not particularly worried about the closetness of the daughter and its constant tears. In any case, parents remained indifferent. Once, a sociable neighbor invited Natasha to visit, where the company of adolescents gathered. They talked about life, about love, about relationships. It was interesting, and the new guest reacted with attention. Moreover, she was invited to meet again. So Natasha became the normally of this company. Already in two months, the changes were obvious: more calm and confident, she even began to read books in English. She received these books from new acquaintances. Among them, she met a guy, his love. Everything is good if it were not the fact that the new company was the sect of Munitov. Soon Natasha left the house, settled in the commune and broke with her parents who took valuable things and savings. As a promising sequence, it began to send it with the sermons of the teachings of Moon in different countries. She declared her relations with her parents and stopped supporting them with them.
It is useful to teach a teenager to act in a relationship with people thoughtfully, reminding him by the Russian proverb "Seven times death, one revenue." First, think, look from different sides, weigh, choose the path and only then act. Dependence on assessments, views and beliefs adopted in the company to which they belong to, sometimes leads adolescents to readiness to have their own opinions, and not to defend their beliefs and values.
How do we estimate the quality of the child's friendship? It turns out, quite simple. Really useful can be called only those relationships in which the guys are comfortable with each other; They feel confident, do not cross the boundaries of reasonable risk, respect the rules adopted in society, retain intimacy and mutual understanding with parents, do not form criminal or erotic secrets. Strong roll from the norm should cause anxiety.
The peculiarity of teenage friendship consists not only in changing authorities. In relations between adolescents there is always a place to secret, silence, consent, patience and peace of mind - "All in half, all in fraternal." Therefore, so often parents hear: "I can easily talk about everything about everything," I always trust a friend. I know what he thinks, even if he is silent. " The more closely and stronger friendship, the more topics that teenagers are discussing with each other, not interested in the experience and opinions of parents.
Psychologists have determined that only 20% of adolescents prefer loneliness. It is normal if the child is passionate about the work: drawing, music, writing, - that is, such activities that require concentration. Loneliness turns into a problem and brings strong experiences when it becomes forced if the teenager did not accept the company that he chose (see the chapter "Lonely Teenager"). Most of adolescents - 80% - seek to find a like-minded person, several buddies (click) or even many (company). Usually they are drawn to those who are close to them by origin, interests, has a similar reputation or features. The adult becomes a teenager, the wider there will be a circle of his friends, and the guys of the opposite sex will be gradually included in it.
Boy + girl
Interest in the opposite floor appears in children long before adolescence. We see the desire to take care of your attractiveness already among younger students; In high school, adolescents are interested in who likes and why, and rapprochement begins. Noting the change began in the opposite peers, the teenager marks them in itself. Friendship between adolescents of various sex becomes a real school of mutual learning. And here you have to say about what kind of knowledge actually get teenagers during dates: they learn to learn the closer person of the opposite sex, communicate with him, trying to understand the different ways to understand which of them are useful, and which lead to the emergence of unnecessary problems ; Experiment with their status ("They see me in the company with an excellent student or a desperate guy"); learn to be sincere and true; Trying to sketch up a portrait of a future husband or wife. Perhaps it is now worth talking to teenagers about how the standards of the behavior of boys and girls have changed today. If earlier the girls were fixed by the role of flexible, soft, feminine creatures, now they are called for activity, independence and even militant offensiveness, and the boys are given a very respected role of the second plan. There was often a situation today, when the beginning of intimate relations provoke girls who are physiologically emphasized on average two years earlier than young men. By the way, as studies have shown, teenage-intellectual teenagers are not inclined to enter close relationships - at a minimum because they know more than others.