Doctors have a comic "law of paired cases", nevertheless absolutely applicable in practice. Found pathology - look for the second.
And in psychological practice, it works otherwise. The client came, brought the problem - and further, as in a chain, this will be revealed with this. Not so long ago, in my working field there was a topic called "Sofa Husband", which means it is time to describe it.
With this, women come, successful in their careers who gave birth to children. Material, property aspects of family life on them. Further - strategic questions about the upbringing and development of children: where and how to learn how to build a schedule (for contact with the child, as such, it is often not enough of the resources), where to buy apartments where to go to rest. Men at home: doing something on the household, go to the instructions of the wife somewhere, follow the oldest generation, park the car in the garage. If there are children, then help them. And that is all. Sit at home, much money does not ask for their needs and do not break anywhere from home.
In general, this situation suits all parties to some crisis point. More often associated with the threat to the loss of health of the cormal. Then the avalanche restrained by the men, sometimes decades, was collapsed on the "silent" men, sometimes with dozens of years old.
Here are a few things with which it was necessary to encounter when working with these cases.
1. System level. If you look at a few generations ago in these families, you can find lost during the war years, as well as repression, delegation and further into the depths of history, stories about how men disappeared. How they were killed, they were repressed, planted, shot. In the memory of the family it remains that at home - only weak, de-energized, not anywhere guys. In a sense, disability is not only physical, but also a loss of will to a manifested life is immunity from family losses. You can save yourself and protect the family from grief in our time by "failures" with searching for work or on the root of the business.
2. Everything is as always ... "rests" in mom. Most women with such a family situation, with a detailed question, it turns out that moms in their childhood were not, or was too rude / inaccessible / critical / punishing and cold. In some sense, as a child, such women, the concept of "house" is not the warmest and secluded place. They more enthusiastically remember youth, hiking, love in classmates than home family evenings. Now the husband is not in functionality, but according to the presence, compensates for the "warm" and "affordable" mother. At the same time, he can even not know the mother-in-law, live with his interests and be the most brutal of men. The point is not in the lifestyle, but as a contact with it, when the family is at home.
3. From this it follows another observation. The absence of such husbands at home turns them in all other relations of successful wives into a state close to desperate and decaden. All anxiety, all claims and criticism, still naming on the husband, for the absence of the object remain with its carrier, that is, with a woman. In the eyes, she loses their strength and falls on the bottom of the experiences of themselves, where she is not the leader, "fire" and "all here will command." At this day, it is de-energized, lonely and with signs of learned helplessness, that is, the states when we do not see the point of seeking help, since since once they experienced a refusal and surrendered.
How to be with it?
For each of the levels - its solution and even their methods. The main thing is to understand that all these methods are not aimed at the fact that the husband gets up from the sofa and went to work.
In the first case, our task is to see how customers with the generic memory of parting with "strong" men decide this family title with the help of de-energization of male energy.
In the second case, questions with mom are better to solve, rather than postpone ... Methods for this no longer consider, perhaps.
In the third case, the client's task is to assign depressive thoughts and states distinguished before the 'sofa husband ". Assign and give a genuine way out of this state in your own life.
Ways of mass, but to see them, you first are interested in such family symptoms, as in the famous anecdote: "- Dear, in life need sharp changes! - What, you lie to the TV and you will look at the sofa? ".
Maria Dyachkova, PSYCHOLOGIST, Family therapist and leading trainings of personal growth Training center Marika Khazin